Boundaries

Recently, I have been redirecting a relationship with someone who had been very touchy-feely for the last ten years. I have finally been successful at establishing a boundary. This person was overstepping my boundaries, without taking the hints. I would take a few steps back from them to create a distance, but they would move in and grab my waist anyway — lunge at me to grab my arm — they were rather sneaky about it too. Years ago I thought I would have a talk with them, but decided against it. The situation was delicate. Maybe it was my own “boundary problem.” There is another woman who has an issue with this person doing the same to her, and she only brought it up after I mentioned it to her, so I don’t think she was planning to approach him about it — not to say that this makes it okay that I haven’t said anything.

We were friends and I liked this person a lot, and it didn’t happen often enough to be urgent, but whenever I saw them – maybe a couple of times a week, it would be an issue. They would rub my arms or shoulders, squeeze me, touch my waist, and generally stand too close. It was all under the guise of friendly touching – which makes it kind of sticky. I don’t shrink from confrontation and usually have no problem telling people what I think. But as an older adult, I’m attempting to be graceful, and I guess I chose this situation to exercise that trait.

Part of the problem is language. The person’s first language is Spanish, and they have a strong accent. They might have a problem understanding what I was saying, especially if I tried being tactful, using delicate language that isn’t literal, with subtleties that they might not understand. If I went the other way with a direct approach, saying, “You’re touching me too much and I don’t like it. It’s not necessary for you to touch me every time you see me,” there might be confusion since there were times when I expressed affection with a hug, after not seeing them for a while. I have also touched this person during conversation, but not often – so this might cause additional confusion. This person might see my touching them as an invitation to touch me whenever they want to – every fucking time I see them — five or six times, anywhere on my body. No.

The subject of how to approach the situation has plagued me for years. Finally I had just had it, and decided that I would simply recoil dramatically with my body whenever this person stepped too closely into my circle. I literally sway my body away from theirs, or take three of four steps backward. In addition, I keep conversation short, yet cordial. That was another boundary issue, excessive talking without respect for my time. I think they’re finally getting it.

I don’t care if they think I’m moody, or that I don’t like them anymore. I waited too long as it is. If they don’t see what I’m “saying” this time with body language, the next step is to tell them directly. At the end of this, I’m thinking maybe I will just tell them directly, if it happens again. This person is an adult who should know better, really.

 

A Dime-a-Dozen Blogger

After starting my blog, I read hundreds of other blogs and followed quite a few. I didn’t anticipate what I encountered, people looking for a place to belong, people who needed somewhere to vent. Some of these people had found friendships they couldn’t develop in the three-dimensional realm. A lot of us are really co-dependent.

Someone said, “With Facebook, there’s a lot of psychological stuff going on.” I extend that observation to blogging. I size up someone’s personality from their blogging habits. In the blogosphere, I see approval-seekers, trend-followers, and those who blog in certain communities because they feel that they belong – it’s a place where certain people finally feel popular. Sometimes the sharing is intense, and at times I wonder, when the bloggers disappear from the ‘sphere, if they are okay, as they had talked about experiencing severe depression.

I am fortunate to have close friends that I can share personal things with, though some people consider the people that they meet in the blogosphere to be friends, and they are fulfilled by those relationships. I’m not opposed to forming friendships with bloggers, but I have to be able to smell, touch and hear you – I have to know you a couple of years, and to be able to read your aura before making that blood pact. I don’t use the word “friend” loosely.

The blogging environment can be affected, and there is playacting. Behind the wall, there’s no shame in blowing things up pretty big – you can hide behind a persona – be that tough girl, the femme fatale (I think I tried to play that one up a couple of times – hahaha!). There are professional bloggers. But some of us take blogging a little too seriously.

In the 1800s, Washington Irving described the flood of “writers” with their pretenses at the proliferation of printing houses – ha! I wonder what he’d think today when everyone and their mother can claim literary importance with the multitude of outlets — myself included.

In the blogosphere, alternate universes are created. Some people imagine that they’re larger than life. But WordPress hosts thousands of sites, and bloggers are a dime a dozen. A blogger actually did once describe us as “dime-a-dozen-bloggers”, and I loved it – it put us in our place. We all have different angles, and some are actually great writers. Most of us are in the middle, and some of us are awful. I don’t even make a big deal out of new followers, because 97% of the time, they don’t even “like” or comment. They’re just trolling for followers. I do enjoy a lot of blogs, but I have to have a balance with my real life and with the real world.

I don’t want to lose perspective. The blogosphere is a place for me to share dime-a-dozen thoughts, to practice writing, and to trade comments. I remind myself of this, otherwise I can delude myself into thinking I’m Sandor-the-Barbarian, destined to rule a demented corner of the blogosphere.

 

I should be ashamed.

I should be ashamed of myself!

I read something (which shall not be named) where the person posted a so-called “damning” text exchange with someone they demonized, but I am solely obsessed with the degenerate scenario that this ‘demon’ set up – was it muy hot-to!

I do need help…

But, who has the right to damn anyone – I live in a glass house and have thoughts that should definitely be terminated. Ask my sister –

“Who thinks that?!!!” She tells me.

“Really, you don’t, think those things, ever?”

“No!”

Well, at least I don’t actually act the things out, not really.

I tell you one thing, that scenario, I’d like to act that thing out – ha!