(Warning: Adult content. Also, as Gfb always says, pointless.)
There’s a sensationalistic sound-effect in The Night of the Living Dead that’s louder than the sound of the rest of the movie — the part when the zombie eats the bug off the tree and when the zombies eat the dead people, pulling flesh off of the bone with their teeth.
George Romero amps up the slurpy, chewing sound — a great grade b horror movie gross-out effect. He blots out all other sound in the movie and puts emphasis on this. You hear zombies grind up every bit of bug and chew every sinew in all its juicy goodness.
I thought of something they might have used to make this particular sound.
When I was a teenager – a friend said she heard a man masturbating in the staircase. I said, “How do you hear someone masturbate?” She began making rhythmic slurpy chewing sounds with her mouth. It was hilarious!
Wouldn’t it be rad, a big fat joke on the audience, if I made a zombie movie and had sound effects from an unorthodox source, let’s say like the one my friend talked about and maybe also the female version, or any variation or combination (wink, wink) on that?
We’d have people in the studio masturbating with the mike right there. In my movie, The Zombies of Sandor, the zombie-eating sound-effects would all be from masturbation and stuff.
It’d be…like an art movie! The sound effect of somebody getting slapped in the face would actually come from somebody in the studio getting slapped in the face with a penis.
Oh why Sandee couldn’t you just use someone actually chewing into a microphone for the eating sound effect? Be-cause, I say, just be-cause.
I’ve been taking a new way home from work to avoid riding the bus with zombies masquerading as people. As soon as you turn away they smack their fists in their hands and point at me. They peel the latex ‘people’ skin from their face to show me decaying flesh then stick it back on before anyone else sees them. Sometimes the bus is filled with them because they know this is my usual route.
So this is my new route home.
It’s the back roads of Riverdale in the Bronx. There are others walking here but it’s rather quiet. Since there are mansions on one side and a few houses speckled on the other by the river, I might be saved by a compassionate homeowner if one of those stinking dead bastards comes.
I imagine this road in the fall when the leaves turn Halloweeny and the moon is huge and orange with the wicked witch flying through it on her broom, and I get all oogie.
That white speck is a zombie but I’m behind the tree.
This walking path is like a country road with the woods and the river. The people who live here don’t make the path less twiggy and gnarly because they don’t want riff raff like me too comfortable on it.
The road leads back to a luxury apartment area winding east. At the end where the road curves back is a quaint old apartment complex, units crookedly piled on top of one another on a natural terrace jutting out over the river. Each unit has an iron terrace and the roofs are rust colored, corrugated. There’s ivy crawling all over the buildings. There’s a serene view of the river and the palisades. Woods are across the street. Next to that is a prewar building, rather average but attractive, resembling the kind in my neighborhood. It also juts out over the river. It’s strange to see a building like that in a privileged position.
I’m going to live there. That’s also why I walk this route, to get used to it when I have to come home this way, zombies or not.
But now, for my trip home from work this way, after a mile and a half, I get on a bus that zombies refuse to ride. They don’t know where I live and they’re not blog readers. A few are starting to get on Facebook, but I blocked them. Trying to avoid them is exhausting but I don’t want to become a zombie anytime soon, so it’s what I accept. They want to eat my superior brain and I can’t do anything about that.
I am so damn lame. I entered a contest to win a free funeral but haven’t checked to see when the drawing is. The contest is part of Zombie Run. I wanted to be a zombie in their race in Boston last May, but the spaces were all filled. There were plenty of openings for anybody who wanted to be a regular person in the race however. Ha ha! When you do things online, fill out forms for this that and such, expect to get googobs of other crap from the organization. But I like zombies, so I don’t mind getting things from Zombie Run and I was excited about the funeral. I need to see if the drawing is over – who won it. I’m really superstitious about it though. Like if I win the funeral, I’ll be dead soon. If I win – it’s $5000 worth of funeral expenses – yeah! But besides the funeral contest, Zombie Run is a great opportunity for people to become zombies.
Everybody wants to be a zombie. Now everybody’s all into them. But I was into zombies way before everybody. Karen Cooper from The Night of the Living Dead, she’s my background image on my computer. She’s the little girl zombie. I know almost the whole script to that movie. I’ll get to be a zombie someday. But I don’t want to be one of those cyber zombies, the fast running ones they have in movies nowadays. I want to be old school, with one foot sliding on the ground, dragging around real slow – the kind that creep around but pop up from behind the wall and take a chunk out of your head.