zen

I wasn’t going to mention the Metro-North tragedy initially, because you can’t run from death. Not really. I did finally mention it on Facebook because of some compelling coincidences. I didn’t want to give it special attention, because focusing on the details of the incident wouldn’t help to remind me that death is happening, and it’s not as big a thing as we make it out to be. When my father died I was reborn into this idea. Paradoxically, I had to go through a few complex changes to come to this simple conclusion. I try living harder and more truthfully because of this. I want to be more fleshed out and connected to everything around me.

Yah I’d like to think that I could sustain this idea. We’ll see how full of shit I am in the end though. In my isolated existence, disconnected from the whole, death becomes a melodrama, and the mere particle of my human life becomes lionized, disproportionate to the calming reality. Well, shit – I hope it’s calming. I really hate the idea of holding onto life, holding onto things…

Sometimes when I’m anxious about the future, I think about what I have right now, plenty of food, an apartment, a job, clothes, friends, family. I believe then that I’m completely taken care of. All I have is now. Read some zen. They say that. Tomorrow doesn’t exist, nor does yesterday. But it’s hard to live in the moment sometimes when there’s so much emphasis on planning the future. There’s much to do to prepare for the future that would suit you best. Right? I also have to deprogram myself from notions in this culture that cause me to have anxiety about my status.

Fuck your gd status. I have a cousin who broke the mold to do some wild things, after having owned a successful business for years. Oh why oh why couldn’t I do something like that? — Because you, you’re me, that’s why – oh don’t be confused audience, see, I’m me talking to me, that’s all – I’m also talking to you, just having a conversation with me in front of you.

But like I say, I have food. The café at the botanical garden where I work gives employees food they haven’t sold. Everything they make has cheese in it which sucks. However the seductive qualities of cheese helps customers believe that the sandwiches are worth twenty-four dollars and ninety-nine cents. At times my refrigerator is filled with cheese laden cuisine — quinoa with cheese, couscous with cheese, feta dates and herb salad, tuna and cheese, cheese snack bowls, mozzarella and tomato sandwiches.

I hate not taking free food. If you eat cheese everyday will you die? No silly heads – I know we’ll die die. But I mean like, will I die sooner? Is eating cheese everyday bad? Don’t the French eat cheese everyday with wine and cigarettes? Will I survive the next anxiety attack about my future? Do you think I should move to France?