I sell copies of my book every month, hallelujah. So where’s my $27.69 from last month’s sales? The price of *quinoa just went up and I need Halloween socks, a disposable rain bonnet, and some Limited Edition Pop Tarts.
Amazon was supposed to shoot this money over to my account. I wish they’d hurry up–it’s Pop Tarts LI-MI-TED Edition! By the time I get my money, the damn things won’t be in the supermarket anymore.
*For those of you who don’t give a shit, quinoa (pronounced: keen-wah) is a healthy ‘super-food’ that tastes like ass-crack. It costs a lot of money but I could probably grow it on my fire escape.
If you’re me, your shape changes in middle-age. Other things happen but I’ve been sworn to secrecy by the Coven of Middle-aged Women with Fancy Handbags. I’m mad. I work out, jog, but I am not shaped the way I used to be shaped, a subtle shifting of body mass. I was warned by the Coven. I didn’t think it would happen to me though. I eat quinoa.
And also, not to brag — I just did 50 sit ups but my stomach still protrudes. Why? Fucking fibroids. Yeah I said it. It happens more so at a certain time of the month. Why now, a few days before my author reading? I’m tired of this. I could have my uterus surgically removed. I just don’t want to be knocked out and cut so that I can have my guts ripped out.
I was waiting for that device in Star Trek to come out. Captain Kirk, Bones and Spock time-traveled. They went back in time and witnessed a 20th century surgery. Bones said it was barbaric. Their time era is the future where Bones just waves this wand thing over the part that needs surgery and – bam! I could be uterus-free in seconds with not a one scratch on me. I think it’ll be a while before this is invented, so I’ll just wait for menopause. That’s when my estrogen level is supposed to decrease, which ideally would mean that these things will shrink. But we’ll see with the luck I have.
All’s not awful though. I’ve always had kind of a big ass even when I was a skeleton. But I don’t look good bone thin anymore and that’s a good thing – like it was ever a good thing. Now I don’t need to be always worried about staying a certain weight. I’m more relaxed. The effort would be wasted anyway. When you’re this age two carrots, plus 3 walnuts, plus one celery stick does not equal ninety-eight pounds soaking wet. It equals what your metabolism tells you it will equal. Listen youngsters – eat, smoke and be reckless, because, you won’t be able to later on. I’m not killing myself to be skinny anymore, so I don’t have to smoke cigarettes and eat grass. Since my shape has changed I look like a bobble head if I’m too thin. And I realized recently that the big ass balances off my big head nicely.
*A post of vanity, by Sandee Harris