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To my loved ones:

Published August 4, 2013 by Sandee

Me in the merry merry month of May

Dear diseased neighbor with bloated belly,

How dare you!  So you feel it’s okay to say that my stomach looks like yours?  You goddamned wench.  I have uterine fibroids.  Thanks for reminding me that I’m accursed!  Yes, I have issue with the fact that I do situps every other day but still appear to have a pot belly at times.  It sucks that this has happened in the last couple of years when I had been able to have pride in a flat stomach into my middle forties, glad to have at least had that, if not big titties — no I don’t really want big titties — but anyway — HOW DARE YOU!  And learn how to air smooch.  When we greet each other, you needn’t plant slobbery diseased lips on the side of my face — ungh! — just threw up in my mouth.

Dear homeless drunken neighbor in wheelchair,

Aw, thanks for offering me Chinese food this evening.  But how the fuck you can afford to offer me dinner when you’re homeless is beyond me.  I dunno but it was a sweet gesture nonetheless.  During my winter hiatus, don’t forget that offer please, as I may be broke and have to take you up on it.  We’ll have a very “scenic” dinner in the park, overlooking the Hudson River.

Dear other homeless neighbor,

Sorry I said bad things about you and your wife in another post that I wrote about the homeless people in this neighborhood.  I’ll eat those words — I swear.  I come home every day to you sitting by the park playing chess tournaments with locals.  I suck ass in chess and think that you could teach me lots.  Mr. Homeless Man, can I please play with you?  I promise I have no qualms about touching communal chess pieces.  You’re obviously a respected member of the community and I should kick myself for being such a dick — or shall I say — such a twat.

Dear “Jane”,

I’m so so sorry.  Had I known you would be going around offering free pussy to average looking men, I would have coached you better.  I hope you’re living a happy life now, and that all that had occurred between us is behind you.  I love you.  P.S.  Please stop dying your hair orange just so that you don’t look like me anymore.  It makes you look, crack-whorish.

Yours, all y’all,

Aunt Sandee

A stinky ‘ol ghost from Holland

Published May 26, 2012 by Sandee

 

I thought that calling my book ‘Why Did You Try to Fuck Somebody You Hate?  And Other Mean-Spirited Tales, told by a Sword-Chinned Bitch’ was Monty Pythonesque!  But apparently, some people feel like they’re being attacked when they look at the title.  “Ohhh, the world’s harsh as it is, why would I want to read that?  Wah, wah!” This is what pussies say.  The caption says, “For those unafraid to look,” and everybodyknows  pussies are afraid to look.  Other people think that the title is crass and vulgar.  My word! 

So I changed the gd title.  Well, actually only on my Goodreads ad and on my blog site.  The Amazon site will take 48 hours to change over to the ‘family friendly’ title, so you can wait until then to look if you’re too a-scared.  The stories aren’t really mean-spirited any way – skeevy, alcohol-drenched, and a bit macabre perhaps.  Just imagine Charles Bukowski as a black woman – no, no — Edgar Allan Poe as a black woman – no wait — Fyodor Doestoevsky as a black woman… okay, this is probably why people think it’s weird.  Oh, oh — and there’s cake in it, and an implied ménage trois, and cigarettes, and a stinky ‘ol ghost from Holland!  One of the stories, “Night Terrors” has been published in Calliope!  So take that up your crass and vulgar!

My book represents the highest caliber of literature – oh yes indeed it does.  I mention myself in the same vein as Bukowski.  But how do I classify my book really?  I don’t.  To do so would be confining it to a box.  My shit can’t be labeled.  And at the same time I say that it’s ‘literature’ generally, which classifies it in a sense but I’m not ridiculous about the whole thing, after all, we do need some words that we agree upon to represent something so that we can communicate — sillies!

I’ll tell you what other people said about my book later, but in the meantime, if you haven’t already done so, please click the book link on the sidebar to look at the lovely review of WDYTTFSYHAOMSTTBASCB, then go to the bank, take out .99, and buy a copy on Kindle.  I’m planning on getting hard copies at some point as well, so don’t fret non-Kindle users.  My sister suggests also that you send the .99 directly to me and I’ll forward you the Microsoft Word file by email!  No, please don’t do that.