The Tunnel of Life and Glory to All Mankind

During lunch at work, I had vagina monologues with my friend.  She had known as a child that you don’t urinate out of your vagina since she had explored it with a mirror. This made me happy, because I was horrified when another friend said that she had never seen hers.  What?!  I thought that the Vagina Monologues had taken care of all the fear and hatred.

As my friend and I are middle-aged, the relationship with this part of our body is different.  At this age, some women don’t bother with it any more, others adjust to the changing climate down there or must learn to deal with a barren tract of land – haha!  I have an okay relationship with my vagina.

Have you seen your vaginas lately?  I hadn’t, which is partly why I mention it now.  Oh I used to look at it all the time, so I have indeed seen it.  It’s just that it’s such a minor ordeal to look at your own vagina.  If it were easier to see, maybe we wouldn’t have needed the Vagina Monologues – there wouldn’t be fear, horror — disgust – some say that the vagina looks like squid.

Men don’t have to position themselves in front of a mirror to see their Willy Wonkas.  I should say ‘penis’ but I don’t feel like it.  Since men have the privilege to view their man pieces easily, there isn’t the same mystery that’s associated with a woman’s vagina.  That’s one of the reasons why vaginas kick your ass!  I propose that we look at it once a week, if only just to make sure that it hasn’t morphed into a hideous sea creature.

Anyway, I’ve posted this video with Khloe Kardashian where they discuss stinking vaginas.  There’s a stupid commercial first, but I do think the video’s worth the wait:

http://www.aol.com/video/khloe-kardashian-my-vagina-smells-like-roses/517659401/

Oblivion and *penis

I saw my friend outside of the bar, taking a break from drinking to smoke cigarettes.  I hadn’t seen him in a while.

‘Hey you.  You drinking these days?’  He says.

‘Nah,’ I told him.

We used to stay in the bar until daylight — what a waste of time.  We even ate our dinner at the bar counter.

My friend’s an ex-cop.  He’s pretty tough.  He looked out for me when we drank together, way back when you could smoke in bars.

‘You were so bad ass,’ I said when I saw him.  When I got drunk he’d bring me home and be a gentleman about it.  At some point we were “romantically” involved.  Some “romantic involvement” I remember, some I don’t.  Shame.  But anyway — I miss that lifestyle when I want to glamorize it, because I’m an asshole.  It was pathetic, going around in circles, obsessed with drinking.

I wasn’t there to experience what should have been good times because I’d be drunk, blacked out.  Sorry to be a drama queen, but I’m lucky I got away from it with my life.

This video from the movie Shamus reminded me of then.  I would be in the Burt Reynolds’ role, minus the penis and mustache – though, sometimes I think it’d be nice to have a penis.

By posting the video, maybe I am glamorizing the lifestyle, because Burt Reynolds is a sexy bastard, but when I actually imagine myself in this position, it’s sad – especially when it happens more than once.  Like, grow the hell up!

After a night of cavorting, Shamus gets up — no shower — just puts his funky ass clothes back on…ah, memories.  Check out the way he looks at the shoe – haha!

* “PENIS” was just a cheap trick to get your attention I’m afraid. 

Dang, no wind instruments?

 

My tooth was extracted.  The trauma has subsided — the excruciating pain, the nausea from the medication…  The dentist gave me prescriptions, extra gauze, and two whole sheets of instructions.  Among other things, for the first day I was forbidden to blow my nose, open my mouth widely, or play wind instruments.  Dang, no wind instruments.  Question.  Is a penis a wind instrument?

 

King of the bums

Yay!  Spring’s here, and in spring, John comes back to live on the bench by the historical house.  I don’t know where he goes in the winter and I miss him terribly.  Once the lilac trees and tulips start blooming around the historical house, I look for him on the bench.  There are other bums out there but he’s popular.  The others are a brood of unfortunates in tattered clothes and greasy hair.  Besides, the other ones can be, I’ll just say — non-communicative – one shook his penis at me before he went to take a leak behind the bushes.  Now how rude was that?!  And the one with the pompadour, well he mostly communicates with himself.  But John knows their language and speaks to them all regularly.  John has an entourage of homeless and non-homeless people and he shares his food and liquor with bums on neighboring bench units.  He holds court and commands a certain respect.

I must say he’s rather good-looking — Latino, reddish brown colored.  He said he was gay, but that was when he was drunk out of his ass.  I get jealous when John doesn’t notice me walk by the bench where he lives because he’s talking to somebody else.  Let’s say he doesn’t say hi because he’s speaking to a pretty, well-dressed woman.  I wonder then if I’m unworthy and worry that he has a hierarchy of friends, and that I’m on the lower rung.  After all I do work a low-skilled job, and dress like a bum, uh, I mean, I don’t dress as fashionably as some of the other types with whom he chats.  Sometimes he talks to them in Spanish because he’s bilingual.  I only know one language, this one — I could kick myself for not paying attention in Ms. Pina’s Spanish class!  I calm myself, “Oh silly, he didn’t say hello because he simply didn’t see you.  It isn’t just that he prefers someone fancier.”

John’s been in a wheelchair for the last year.  His homeless son’s been pushing him around in it.  Well, he said it’s his son.  Another time when he was drunk cruising up Broadway in his wheelchair he yelled out that the guy pushing him in the chair was also gay and that he was his son.  “Hello my lovely,” he said to me cross-eyed drunk, “This is my son.  My gay son, and I love him.”  I hate it when John gets like that.  I was comforted to see that his son had come here to take care of him.  When he’s sober he always asks me what’s new and tells me to have a good day at work.  He tells me to bring an umbrella if I decide to come out later when it rains.  Sometimes we kick a little neighborhood talk.  We’ve talked about who really started that fire on 211^th Street, and when that lady who feeds all the cats in the neighborhood was hit by a UPS truck.  I used to blush terribly when he’d ask me to marry him.  When he saw that I had a boyfriend, he respectfully flipped it and asked us when the wedding would be and if he could come to it.  He was really nice to my boyfriend which I appreciated — I so wanted my boyfriend to feel welcome in the neighborhood.  John never never ever in all of the years that I’ve known him, asked me for one red cent, except for that one time.  “You know mama that I’ve never never ever in all the years that I’ve known you asked you for nothing, but this one time.”  I was touched, though very concerned about his financial trouble, so I gave him a buck.  In the back of my mind I wondered if this would put me in good with him, so that I’d never feel like I was on a lower rung of his hierarchy again, but then I reminded myself that I am a worthy, capable, albeit unilingual woman who doesn’t have to buy friendship from anybody.