parenting

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Simon

Published October 11, 2012 by Sandee

I think of William Golding’s Lord of the Flies and the roles we play in tribes.  I thought I’d be Simon in the tribe.  Simon goes off alone.  He’s prophetic and dreamy.  I think Simon goes into a cave and when he comes out, the bad tribe thinks he’s a beast, and spears him to death.  That’s me, I say.  I’m misread, on the periphery, and subjected to being lambasted by people who are afraid of where I’m coming from.

But I looked honestly, and this is not easy, but I believe I would’ve been in the bad tribe.

I acted out as a child.  While there was love and encouragement, we were raised by adolescents.  My mom was 18 and my dad 22 when I was born.  I also became very sick which devastated my school life.  My mom taught me to read when I was three and I was in special progress classes but couldn’t concentrate after the illness.  My parents might have done more if they knew better.  They gave me a wonderful childhood however.

But I became rebellious, destructive and mean.  I wanted to be bad, to test limits.  I remember rounding up kids to leave school to go to Pathmark to steal candy.  Our families had money to give us, but once I got kids together to beg for money in the street.  Another time I lied about the teacher collecting money for something and stole from kids in my class.  Tyrone found out, popped out from behind a car, punched me in the head and followed me home to tell my mother.  This was all at around the age of eight, and there were other things I did.  I also did mean things to kids that I’m embarrassed about.  If I smoked cigarettes I would have been a bonafide street urchin.

After surgery for my illness when I was 12, I befriended the main stream kids.  They put me in check and I became docile and unsure of myself — they were the majority.  I couldn’t be the wild little pirate anymore.  I knew instinctively that being with these girls was a cocoon of protection, even though I was on the periphery.  I later became an alcoholic then recovered which helped me to grow as a person.

As an adult I’ve been sited on my job review for integrity.  One manager said she thought that I was a class act.  My mom calls me Saint Sandee.  While my core personality from childhood exists — my curiosity about death and mystery of life and my blunt approach – those negative traits were mutable and transient, though that mischievous acting out may be manifested in my extreme views and sometimes severe criticism.

I just hope to continue to nurture that part of me that people gravitate to.  I want to be tactful, sympathetic, loving, generous and forgiving.  I guess now, this is why I relate to being Simon.