The Tunnel of Life and Glory to All Mankind

During lunch at work, I had vagina monologues with my friend.  She had known as a child that you don’t urinate out of your vagina since she had explored it with a mirror. This made me happy, because I was horrified when another friend said that she had never seen hers.  What?!  I thought that the Vagina Monologues had taken care of all the fear and hatred.

As my friend and I are middle-aged, the relationship with this part of our body is different.  At this age, some women don’t bother with it any more, others adjust to the changing climate down there or must learn to deal with a barren tract of land – haha!  I have an okay relationship with my vagina.

Have you seen your vaginas lately?  I hadn’t, which is partly why I mention it now.  Oh I used to look at it all the time, so I have indeed seen it.  It’s just that it’s such a minor ordeal to look at your own vagina.  If it were easier to see, maybe we wouldn’t have needed the Vagina Monologues – there wouldn’t be fear, horror — disgust – some say that the vagina looks like squid.

Men don’t have to position themselves in front of a mirror to see their Willy Wonkas.  I should say ‘penis’ but I don’t feel like it.  Since men have the privilege to view their man pieces easily, there isn’t the same mystery that’s associated with a woman’s vagina.  That’s one of the reasons why vaginas kick your ass!  I propose that we look at it once a week, if only just to make sure that it hasn’t morphed into a hideous sea creature.

Anyway, I’ve posted this video with Khloe Kardashian where they discuss stinking vaginas.  There’s a stupid commercial first, but I do think the video’s worth the wait:

http://www.aol.com/video/khloe-kardashian-my-vagina-smells-like-roses/517659401/

Buck Wild

I get buck wild, telling you the things that one should not tell.  The things I blab about people find embarrassing, disgraceful even – or just maybe they’re simply discreet and self-respecting.  Hey, I’m just an open person.  It isn’t about showing off or about me thinking I’m unique because my experiences aren’t unusual.  I’m just stupid enough to run my mouth in public – all I ask is that you respect that.  People may think that I have no shame.

Oh but yes I do.  There are few things that even I wouldn’t open up my big fat mouth for — now, now – that isn’t nice.  These things are very few.  Since I tell you in my blog what’s going on with me, and now I can’t, I have to speak around this issue as it’s therapeutic – ha – for me, and hopefully it inspires a twinge of mystery — ha ha ha!

Just wish me luck on my journey into hell.  Thank you.

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I’m moving like a crab. Sideways.

[I tried scanning a picture of a crab I took on a Jamaican beach but my scanner doesn’t want to work.  So I inserted ‘ol faithful up there instead.]

I’m moving like a crab.  Sideways.  I’m dragging my ass about reading the proof copy of my book to check formatting issues.

I have an agenda.  I need to finish reading so that I can order copies to take with me to readings; then I have other things to take care of.   (Ooo, mysterious right?)

The last few months have been a whirlwind.  I never ever wanted to go on facebook and I would never have considered blogging.  I’ve participated in both for my marketing effort.  If it weren’t for my book and blog I wouldn’t be on facebook.  Facebook is, well it’s…I won’t go there.  It’s everything I thought it would be and worse.  Even though I get caught up in the madness myself.  I’ve learned a lot about people from facebook.  I keep swearing I’ll disable my account once my marketing effort is exhausted — whatever that means — but that would be stupid.

I promised to put all that I could behind publishing my book then move on.  I think I might be moving slowly because I’m afraid of the other side, that it will be anticlimactic.  I feel the opposite of that stupid song I hate from the eighties, where the guy says “My future’s so bright.  I need to wear shades.”  I don’t like the song but I wish I could say what he said —  I feel like my future’s so dark, I need to get in a coffin.

I like that I am moving forward despite misgivings though.  But I’m moving forward through bug laden molasses, sideways like a crab.   I do indeed look forward to getting to the other side so that I can take care of other things in my life.  I ain’t gettin’ no younger!