My pissed off nine year old little brother gave me this name

Scroll back to 1973

Me:  Get outta here!

Little Brother:  I can stay in here!

Me:  Stu-pid!

Little Brother:  Fuck you!  Sword-Chin Bitch!

Fast forward to 1989, walking down 9^th Avenue, Manhattan.  I tell my boyfriend the tale. 

“I used to be skinny with a sharp chin.  So my brother — we had a fight.  He calls me a Sword-Chin Bitch.”

“Sword-Chin Bitch?!”  Boyfriend spits pipe out. Stops walking, bends over, holds belly.  Breathless with laughter, he wipes tears from eyes.

1991, hanging with my good friend B.  To break the monotony of post coital cigarette smoking I recount the story.

“And do you know what he called me?”

“Nah baby what he call you?”

“A Sword-Chin Bitch.”

“A sword-chin who!?  Yo that ma’fucker’s funny as hell.”

Laughter ensues for five minutes.

Years later, old as shit, I come up with the idea of marketing my homemade book.

Ah, lets see, my sister says I need a blog.  She says I need to get on that gaddam facebook, and I need a catch.

Got it — I’ll name my book Why Did You Try to Fuck Somebody You Hate, and Other Mean-Spirited Tales, Told by a Sword-Chin Bitch.  It’ll be like, like — Monty Python!

B. thought Sword-Chin Bitch was hilarious – my ex thought so too.  And I’d be giving my brother a shout out.

But I can’t say Sword-Chin – it ain’t grammatically correct.  Gotta hyphenate, make it Chinned.  I’m selling a book.  It gotta be right.

Responding to the prompt for a handle on Word Press, Sword-Chinned Bitch, no-brainer.

Months later, thwarted by my own guerilla marketing ploy with that long ass book title, I change it to Mean-Spirited Tales, but keep the Sword-Chinned Bitch handle, to the dismay of a few.

Dear Readers,

Now you see the origin of my name.  I’m the antithesis of a bitch and strive to be evolved when confronted by bitches.  My handle doesn’t mean that I endorse bitches, beeotches, or sons of bitches.  Some were put off by my Sword-Chinned Bitch head appearing in their posts.  I don’t know, should I follow her back?  She might be mean, you said.  But I assure you that I am kind, loving, and do not consider bitchiness an attribute.

God bless you.

Yours truly,

Sword-Chinned Bitch

I’m moving like a crab. Sideways.

[I tried scanning a picture of a crab I took on a Jamaican beach but my scanner doesn’t want to work.  So I inserted ‘ol faithful up there instead.]

I’m moving like a crab.  Sideways.  I’m dragging my ass about reading the proof copy of my book to check formatting issues.

I have an agenda.  I need to finish reading so that I can order copies to take with me to readings; then I have other things to take care of.   (Ooo, mysterious right?)

The last few months have been a whirlwind.  I never ever wanted to go on facebook and I would never have considered blogging.  I’ve participated in both for my marketing effort.  If it weren’t for my book and blog I wouldn’t be on facebook.  Facebook is, well it’s…I won’t go there.  It’s everything I thought it would be and worse.  Even though I get caught up in the madness myself.  I’ve learned a lot about people from facebook.  I keep swearing I’ll disable my account once my marketing effort is exhausted — whatever that means — but that would be stupid.

I promised to put all that I could behind publishing my book then move on.  I think I might be moving slowly because I’m afraid of the other side, that it will be anticlimactic.  I feel the opposite of that stupid song I hate from the eighties, where the guy says “My future’s so bright.  I need to wear shades.”  I don’t like the song but I wish I could say what he said —  I feel like my future’s so dark, I need to get in a coffin.

I like that I am moving forward despite misgivings though.  But I’m moving forward through bug laden molasses, sideways like a crab.   I do indeed look forward to getting to the other side so that I can take care of other things in my life.  I ain’t gettin’ no younger!

The proof copy of my book came!

I was worried that the proof copy of my book would look shoddy.  I thought the cover artwork would be washed out, but it’s a very good-looking book.  My flimsy free phone camera doesn’t capture the beauty so I didn’t post pictures — the above is just the art from the Create Space site.  I have to read it to make sure everything’s there.  They did omit the page numbers, which is weird.  Mean-Spirited Tales is a hefty book.  It’s 6×9 and about 300 pages, and mauve — I hope men don’t mind reading it.  As part of my guerilla marketing plan I’ll read it on all the city subway lines, making sure people see the cover.  I’ll squint and turn the pages thoughtfully.  Really loud I’ll say, “This book is…it’s amazing!”

A thought.  I could peddle my book on the train.  People make good money selling stuff on there I had heard.  “Git ya copy a Mean-Spirited Tales heah!”   From a tray supported by two straps on my shoulders, I’d pick up books to hurl at passengers waving money at me from the other end of the car.  A portable credit card machine might work.  I’d wear an I Love New York visor — oh and I’d have a  cigar butt dangling from my mouth.  Gotta keep it real yo!

A Luddite on Twitter, Emoticons and Facebook Editing

🙂 😦

I finally figured out how to make smiley faces with a colon and close parenthesis symbol.  After my frustrating search on the wordpress screen for buttons to click that would yield me the yellow orb of idiotic expression, with or without teeth, I looked for clues in the comments section — you guys really like those things in the comments section.  I found nothing, after peering at length for any clue that might be hovering around the yellow heads.  Scrolling, scrolling downward — I get more comments these days — I spotted it — a naked colon and close parenthesis symbol — what the?!  Why, this must be it, I thought.  But somehow it didn’t take in this person’s comment box — it didn’t flesh out.  Putting my analytical mind to task, I concluded that sometimes having an ellipsis at the end of a sentence interrupts the full fleshing out of these amazing creatures.  This poor person may not have known this.  I practiced in my own box — as I always do — and — blam! — I got a head.  I was so proud of myself because I even figured out if you use the colon and open parenthesis symbol, the reverse, you get a frowny face.  But my excitement was muted when I saw that someone had festooned their box with a live animated head, with the ability to open and close their mouth in hideous, mocking laughter.  I got over it however because today I figured out how to edit a comment on facebook!

I’m only on the blog and facebook and the twitter for four months.  And while I have a twitter account I’m too overwhelmed to use it now.  So it just sits there at present.  I swore up and down Broadway that I would not succumb to any of it.  But I realized that if I would be publishing a homemade book, that I had to do my own sorry-ass piss poor marketing — so the twittering, facebook and blogging it shall be!