I love winter nights

Love love LOVE when people post their random thoughts on Facebook.  How inspiring.

Here are my favorites:

– Gettin’ ready for the big blow out — yeah-eee yeah-eeeeee!

– Today iz whoop ass Friday up in here!

And the best — Facebook food cravings:

– Some Kentucky Fried be nice right about now.  

Well.  Here’re snippets of thought I thought of posting on Facebook individually, but then I thought better of it, but then thought, fuck it, I’ll just put them all in my blog, like, fuck it.  These are my random thoughts on the days they were thought:

4/19/12 – I want my uterus out.

4/28/12 – I like boogers, to pick them, yes.

6/19/12 – Out of toilet paaaapeeer?!  What’ll I do now?!  Eeeyaaaahh!

6/19/12 – Uh oh.  Shouldn’t have used that in place of toilet paper.

6/19/12 – What does one do for flaming anus?

7/26/12 – I just love the King of Queens.

7/30/12 – Betty White’s a sexy bitch!  Fuck y’all!

8/13/12 – I’m ‘bout to kill a mouse up in here!

8/28/12 – Anybody ever wonder what old people look like when they’re having sex?

9/15/12 – Does anybody else ever wonder what would happen if you shut off your phone and computer and never came outside again how many people would give a shit?

9/15/12 – Do you ever wonder if you’ll die alone?

9/15/12 – Y’all should know that everyone dies alone – after all you weren’t born with anyone else, silly — I mean you came into this world alone.  Even if you died with a bunch of other people you’d still be dying alone, right?  Anyone else ever think of that?  Huh?  Holla back.

9/15/12 – Gee, I really could use a Fluff a Nutter sandwich right about now.

9/15/12 – I hate food.

10/19/12 – I love winter nights.

10/22/12 – I hate pus!

10/23/12 – I love furry slippers on a winter’s morn.  Don’t y’all?

10/24/12 – Pork chops!  Applesauce!  Whassup whassup!

10/24/12 – Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!

11/12/12 – I wonder who’ll come to my funeral when I die, I mean, it shouldn’t matter but it kind of does at the same time if you know what I mean.

11/16/12 – Team Bella.

12/9/12 – A&P Weeeeeooooooooooo!  ‘memba that?

So, that’s it people —  I’m very very sorry.  I’m especially sorry for reeling you in with a title that might be perceived as romantic when it was only a part of a stream of crazy.

Nut Job

I bought a “humane” mouse trap a couple of weeks ago, a metal box with holes on either side and a handle.  You slide the top open to put food in.   The mouse goes in and triggers a mechanism that traps him.  For each of the three days prior to my purchase three baby mice visited.  I trapped each of them in a shoe box and let them loose in the woods.  Years ago I trapped a mouse on a glue trap.  He was on there bleeding, squeaking — I cried all day, swearing never to kill another mouse.  The next one who came I fed.

After that third baby mouse a couple of weeks ago, when I decided to get the trap, I didn’t see any more.  The contraption made me  nervous.  I feared hearing the clacking noise caused by the mouse getting trapped inside.  I checked, peering into the holes every day — or I’d kick it.  Days went by and and no mice.

Last night at 4am I heard skittering, clacking, scraping.  It was a mouse in the box.  It frantically scratched, scraped and clacked, desperately trying to get out.  I let it go on.  I wasn’t going to the woods at 4am to let it out.  It disturbed me emotionally so when I slept, I dreamed of holding the mousetrap, a larger version, with a dog inside, frantically butting at the top of the box.  I could see its head.  I was on the train taking it somewhere to release it.   There was another dream with two mice and some other kind of creature in the box.

I woke up preparing to free the mouse.  I sank inside, thinking of it in that small space with the bits of bread with peanut butter I had put in there.  (I tear up typing this part.)  He was hungry, so it was a logical place for him to be.  He had no idea he’d be trapped.  I shook the box lightly to make sure he was in there.  He poked his nose into one of the holes.  He was in there.

Across the street I placed the metal box on the dirt, turned the box sideways and slid the top off.  After a couple of seconds, I  told it to go, go, be free, run.  Finally it scampered up the hill through the dirt, its tail trailing behind.  I breathed out and headed back, thinking that the trap was not humane at all as the thing is in there terrified.

Should I just let the little bastards run around here until they die in the walls or find their way to another apartment?  After work I came home and looked out the window at the woods.  Where is the mouse now, I wondered.  What is he eating?

Extreme Love From An Insane Auntie

  Antie Sandee

   They tried escaping.

   They giggled and squirmed while I squeezed the blood circulation from their torsos.

   They have teeth marks on their arms…

I held their hands in a vice-grip and was blue because their fingernails snapped off.

I kissed their cheeks and their faces turned shades of teal which was very bad and made their father mad.

I steal my own money to buy them things.

Their mama snatched the little one away as I began to pop off his head with a headlock of love…

When I visit they scamper to the door never ever are they mindful that I shall do this once more…

 

 

“It’s against the law! I’m calling the police!”

“Mona! C’mon, get outta here like this!”

“I’m working dammit — can’t you see.”

“You can’t sit at your desk wearing that tiara, butt naked.”

“Why? I do good work and I come in on time, you fucker.”

“It’s against the law! I’m calling the police!”

“Ahahahahaha! You fuckers always get your panties in a bunch. I’m a goddamned good worker who produces good work — I don’t fight coworkers and I always recycle.”

“You think this is a nudist colony?”

“No, do you? You think it’s prison — you think it’s a tribunal — you think it’s a dictatorship — you think it’s your own planet.  Kiss my naked ass you sap-sucking son of a bitch!”

“Oh yeah?”

“You won’t do it because it ain’t in the protocol. That’s the one thing I hate about you, Fred!”

“Mona, for chrissakes people are coming, please put some clothes on!”

“Mo-naah, for chrissakes people are coming, please put some clothes on. Wah wah, waaahhh! I want my momma — I want my bobo — I want my caca — I want my pee pee — I want my doo doo!”

“You sicken me!”