“You didn’t know? You supposed to take the money, then have sex with him.”
“Yeah w-well, I, I asked him. After.”
“And so — wait a minute — he said he’d give you half and then you’d have to give him a notarized I.O.U.? Girrrrl…”
“Noooo, he did not say he needed the I.O.U. to be notarized – just the plain I.O.U. Would you leave me alone about this. I messed up. I know this. I guess you should know all about the standards. This was your career at one time, before you became, legitimate.”
“Yes, bitch, true. At least could he fuck?”
I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. Too embarrassing.
I’ve thought of different ways to make money. Most of these methods aren’t viable — what do I know about being a madame? I think of all those hairy gangsters threatening to – I mean offering me buyouts or making me give up ninety percent of my income for ‘protection,’ and it turns me off.
Pity. I think I have a knack for being a madame, albeit kind of a crazy one. I would offer my employees benefits and have daycare centers for the ones with families – you know – like Amsterdam. I had planned to pimp – I meant — to employ men also. But that idea now is just dust in the wind.
My next way to make loot – being a pirate. I’d love wearing a black patch over my left eye. People would think there was such mystery about me, and maybe that I was a bit of a degenerate too. Oh – and I’d love to tell people to swab the deck and walk the plank. Do pirates still do that? I wouldn’t want to be an internet pirate. Or one of those Somali pirates. Wasn’t that weird? Plus – how do pirates make money? I think they take stuff from people and I don’t like that. If I’m going to do that I might as well be a cat burglar for a living, and that’s out of the question.
So then I thought I might make cakes because I have passion for it so. The people would taste the passion and I would get shit loads of customers. My oven’s from 1980 though. I’d need those appliances cooks on cable television have. No way could I afford those! Just think, the reason I’m considering being a madame, a pirate and a cake baker is because I need extra loot, so kicking out all that cash for state of the art appliances with no certainty of a client base might be fool hardy. So back to square one, being a broke ass bitch.
Now that I have your attention, maybe you’ll pay more attention to my little Pepto Bismol colored blog! A cheap trick you say – no no no no no no no no! Absolutely not! For I am a severely interesting person saying excruciating – I mean — very very important things — things with subtext, things that require you to read between the lines. I cannot help you to do this I am afraid, so now, though I know none of these languages, I must bid you, á bientôt, goodnight, auf wiedersehen.
Good seasonings to you all,