Grandma!

All posts tagged Grandma!

Why Thanksgiving Exhausts Me

Published November 24, 2013 by Sandee

I love my relatives and friends, and I am grateful to have them, but I prefer not visiting them on Thanksgiving.  I don’t need to get into that old ass argument about what the holiday really means, because really who gives a fuck.  Everybody wants food, and everybody wants a holiday.  Period.  So it’s not going away, despite periodic bleatings of ‘protest’ – something about the Native Americans giving the gift of corn to the white man, who pays him back disproportionately in mass murder.

Thanksgiving exhausts me.  You wind up traveling fifty-hundred hours to grandma’s house, over the river and through the woods.  You get there and it’s hot as hell from all the burners going, and this makes me sluggish, as the winter boots, socks and sweater that I wore to keep me warm on the way are totally superfluous at this point.

The worst part of it is the food.  You can’t tell by looking at me, but I don’t really like food.  I’m still waiting for those food pills of the future from the Jetsons to be invented.  Food has too many demands.  I hate having to stop what I’m doing to eat it, and I don’t like making a big deal out of shopping, planning meals, cooking, washing dishes — I am a good baker though, and that’s because I like cake.  It’s probably politically incorrect for me to say this but I don’t give a shit – generally, I’m afraid of food.

A hot house filled with the olfactory overload of food — jammed to the gills with all this stuff we don’t need to be eating, gives me complex feelings.  Really on Thanksgiving, under the guise of celebrating gratitude, we’re really celebrating gluttony.  Thanksgiving is a ‘heavy’ holiday — the demands of travel, the heat of the burners and oven filling the house, the exhaustion from watching the host bust their ass sweating and carrying all those trays, the claustrophobia you get from the excess of food filling every crack and crevice, having to help the host clear the table and wash dishes — having to rush back home again because the next day I usually have to go to work; and finally, going to bed with a bloated gut.

In conclusion, I hope that this post doesn’t cause my loved ones to disinvite me to Thanksgiving dinner.

Holly Golightly and Sandee Godarkly Go to Hell

Published August 17, 2012 by Sandee

Truman Capote’s Holly Golightly had the ‘mean reds’, which sounds like a bitch!  The mean reds was like having the blues, but they were red, and mean.  That’s really fucked up!  Having the mean reds must be like you’re actually in hell!

I didn’t have the mean reds.  I had, what — the toasted teals, the burnt burgundies, the peach pits.  This was two weeks ago and I’m glad to be on the other side, sort of. It was hormonally induced but it was based on real issues.

While the funk is ebbing out, I’m suffering from the tail end of it.  Getting a bad hair style from my hairdresser was not something that should have happened at this time. I’m so full of shit — ‘Years ago, this would really have been monumental.  But I’m more mature now’, I told people.  ‘It’s only hair,’ I said.  Bullshit!  This morning after washing my hair, I cried.  Yes, I cried.  I hate my hair!!!!  Can’t I have anything on this planet!??!!!

What I imagined making me feel better was drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels and watching Henry:  A Portrait of a Serial Killer.  My grandma would tell me to count my blessings and get over it.  Grandma, you’re the best!  You know, she’s right.  So I’ll just watch the movie sober and count my blessings — here they are two blessings:

My blessings:

  1. Mme. Weebles is very thoughtful.  Knowing how much cake means to me, she gave me the picture of a cake that she made for my sidebar.  This made me happy.  I love the pink frosting to balance off the white frosting on the other two cakes up there.  Mme. Weebles is the best!
  2. I got compliments on my hair today and I think they were genuine, and not just to make me feel better about looking like Ronald McDonald on crack.

That’s all folks!