Anal Acoustics

“Hey gurl.  I heard you blow that fart in there.”

“Haha!  Yeah.”

“I can dig it — ‘cause you ain’t know nobody was up in here.”

“I wouldna gave a shit if they was.”

“Mmm hm — ‘sho you right.”

“Once, a guy – after a night out together – he came over.  We were drunk and high as fuck.  Something about drinking heavy and the next morning — I always woke up and had to fart, loud and hard – the loudest fart you ever heard.  Great acoustics —  I looked forward to it really.  So we wake up —  I don’t even remember the night before, only his saying, ‘Uh! Sandee’, then it was over —  In the morning, I make one of my farts – they never smelled, which is strange, because I can whip up a stench with the best of them usually.  So my guy’s like, startled – ha!  But dig this — he says, ‘You know, that turned me on.’  I’m like, to myself, I knew it.  I knew I couldn’t be the only one who thought that was hot.”

“You are blowin’ my mind right now…”

“So oh, hey, look – you want me.  Right?  I know you do.  You like hearing my farts too.”

“The kinda luck I get, you fart on me, right?  It smells like, Noooooooooooooooo!!  Nothing like that trombone you played for your boy.  And after a fart like that, I have to wait a while before, you know.  I mean, I understand and all.  It’s natural.  But I can’t just, Mm! – yeah – after that.  It has to like dissipate.  Know what I’m sayin’.”

“Don’t be – negative.  Have faith.  I’m quite sure that I could, “compose” something just as nice, for you.”

It’s my blog and I’ll say what I waaaant!

Ahhh…  Young people.  They’re energetic with wide eyes, velvet skin, and taste dee-licious.  They have the pabulum of hope, feeding them along a journey of dreams.

They are meant to breed then.  Their parts are unused, well-oiled, with the aroma of moss and dew.  They don’t stink.  They don’t have bad breath, seepage, fart issues – oh don’t even ask what seepage is.

Think of a new car – that new car smell with all the parts working, ready to go!  My parents married young.  My mama was seventeen.  I’ll bet my 21 year old daddy was quite the howling wolf chasing after mama.  They were healthy, creamy.

Old women having babies – more power to you.  To be fair there’s technology, but me, I’d have a heart attack running after a two year old.  I’d be dead by the time it was in junior high.

While it’s not wise for teens to breed, I believe it’s probably the time when you’ll get the most energetic and pleasant smelling mother.  I remember mama flipping around, rolling, and singing songs, everyday!  She had so much energy left over that she taught me how to read when I was just three.

We were kids together, mama, daddy, baby brother.  We all played ring around the rosies – ha!  Problem is that when my brother and I became adolescents we all had fist fights – nah just jivin’!

I think women are meant to breed at 16 – yeah I said it!  This is why they don’t smell and have so much energy.  They are rosebuds admired for their vibrant color and emollience.  And boys the same.  They are firm and smell like spearmint and fresh cut grass.  They are strong and can chase girls for 32 miles.  I know this to be true from my own experiences in the last century.  They are fiercely attracted to each other because of these qualities for the purpose of populating the planet.

I say all this to say, what?  I don’t even know.  But I’m not drunk!  My conclusion doesn’t have jack shit to do with breeding.  It’s just that — as an old woman – and this is just for, me, crazy Sandee – while I’m still horny, I don’t know if it’s meant for me to be fucking anymore.  I look fine for fifty — I’ve been hit on by a few youngsters.  But I’m in this weird stage in the past couple of days where I’m thinking sex is unnatural for me now.  Oh I’ve got stamina and I’m in shape.  But there are tingly things happening in my body and I have fibroids.  I think that nature maybe dries us out and makes us wrinkled because it’s saying your cootchie time’s up, unless you’re already married to another old person.

Please pay me no mind tonight — I’m sorry.  And in case you’re wondering – I don’t have bad breath and I don’t stink.  But I do have farting issues.

My favorite parts of the movie The Devil’s Advocate

I thought I’d write about The Devil’s Advocate after watching it yesterday then changed my mind.  “Nobody’ll give a shit,” I thought.  But then Brigitte mentioned the movie in her post, which is a sign from God.  So, here are my highlights from the movie:

[sing along everyone]

Romans 16:19 says!
Romans 16:19 says!

Be excellent in what is good
Be innocent of e-veel
Be excellent in what is good
Be innocent of e-veel

[still singin’?]

And the God of Peace will soon crush Sa-tan
God will crush him underneath your feet!
And the God of Peace will soon crush Sa-tan
God will crush him underneath your feeeeeeet!

In this scene, the church folk sing this little ditty.  A pudgy black woman dolled up in her Sunday best, looks so adorable.  She’s singing, clapping moving side to side.  She wears a white bow in her hair.  She reminds me of a little girl telling the devil, “You’re gonna get it good!”

I always sing along when I watch this movie.  I like the God of peace will soon crush Satan part best – that’s when I shake my finger at the Devil.  For the next few days after watching, I sing the song, to myself, out loud, while walking up the hill to the bus on my way home from work, letting out the farts that I had to hold in all day.  Coworkers pass in their cars, “Sandee, want a ride up the hill?”  “No, that’s okay.  I’ve got to, decompress,” I say – hehehe.

This next part I like in the movie is the Devil’s speech which gets to me because it’s so darned true if you really think about it.  Tell me if you don’t feel the same way after watching it!  The devil says he’s a humanist.  How about that?  This scene makes me want to stand up in the pews and testify – tell it Devil!

This next scene is a girl on the witness stand talking about a game she’s played with her friends called Special Places.  “Is this game sexual in nature?”  The defense lawyer (played by Keanu Reeves) asks.  The young girl whimpers, “Yes.”

I’m like “What?!”  Special Places!  That sounds haawwwt.  With roiling hot adolescents?  This game never made it to my playground.  When we were adolescents we played True Dare Consequences Promise or Repeat.  Special Places gets to the point if you know what I mean.  How many special places do you have?  True Dare was all over the gaddam place.  We kept it focused though.  Everyone always chose Dare.  It was I dare you to tongue kiss this one, or I dare you to put your hand down that one’s pants – eeeevery once in a blue moon it might be I dare you to f-u-c-k somebody – I neee-ver ever did that.  But I heard Judy Head-Blesser did!

In this last part the Devil says that on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the most depraved act of sexual theater known to man, he got it on with Mary Ann at about seven — whooooa!  But this is the Devil.  He should’ve been able to get up to ten — at least.