Brigitte’s post on astrology made me think of my sad history with being a Scorpion. My parents used Linda Goodman’s astrology book as a child rearing tool. Not cool. They put me in a box and treated me a certain way because of my sign, whether or not I actually exhibited any of the traits. Oh, she’s refusing to eat her asparagus — she’s a strong-willed Scorpion child. She’ll grow up to be a doctor because she’s fearless and focused. We’ve got to punish her more because she’s so stubborn.
Not! As I began reading astrology books, I thought, wow, Scorpions are badass. I’m not worthy. So I’ll just act the way Linda Goodman says we are in the book. It backfired. She said Scorpions have a penetrating stare. So I stared, penetratingly, at people. It was weird. I loved the idea of getting revenge on all my little friends who had fucked me over, and Scorpions are known for revenge. Right? I thought that it was my job to get revenge on people because I was a Scorpion. Well, any lame attempt that I made to get any earth-shattering revenge generally backfired – the people that I thought I was revenging didn’t know that they were being revenged. And Scorpions are not supposed to be afraid of anything. I was afraid of every fucking thing.
From the age of eight on I suffered from a disease called achalasia. I became malnourished and couldn’t focus in school. I was in special progress classes so became more intimidated because of my inability. If my parents had known what to do, they would have done it. I think my youthful parents and the disease did a lot to undermine my situation. They didn’t have the resources to mentor me and to interact in a way that would nurture my natural personality. While they gave me a brilliant childhood, my adolescence suffered because of the shortcomings. Feeling the burden of being a Scorpion, I was unworthy. My self-esteem suffered.
But as an adult who has found herself at the end of the journey, hell yeah, don’t mess with me – I got my mojo back. No, I’m just finally experiencing my true nature. I remember the two Scorpion types that Linda Goodman described, the grey lizard and the eagle. Despite my effort to deprogram myself from my parent’s rearing on this, I believe I had been a grey lizard, a seething envious, imploding sort. As an adult, I’m definitely the phoenix, or the eagle, and I do see a lot of the traits of Scorpio in me. Though I always thought I was Aquarius rising, I had my chart done, and everything was in Scorpio. I’ve been told I’m intense. I still don’t like being judged by my sign. Don’t think that I’m refusing to eat my asparagus just because I’m a Scorpion. But I do share a birthday with Danny DeVito and Martin Scorsese – kick ass!
Okay look I need $50,000. My teeth are rotten. I’m being dramatic — they’re not ALL rotten, but I do have teeth issues from a childhood illness. I’m lucky since my teeth have always looked okay, and I don’t have halitosis. Ironically, when your teeth are really fucked up you take good care of them, flossing and brushing constantly — I should probably say, that after you find out how fucked up they are, you scramble to ‘make it right.’ But as I say, mine aren’t like this because of neglect, they’re like this because of the achalasia that I had as a child, the disease that I was given because that’s the way life is — fuck! Okay so achalasia is when your esophagus closes up, and it’s a rare disease. This is a great. I have this distinction. I won’t get into details because I might have to take out that self-pity violin. But couldn’t the hell I have been some other rare GREAT thing, like a rare talent or genius???? (I discussed this in another post.) When you spend a third of your life in dental surgery, it puts more focus on your teeth. I tell the dentist ‘Why don’t you just yank ’em all out — give me fake ones? I’m sick of this shit.” The dentist says, “Oh but you take such good care of your gums.” You see too, I thought if I had them yanked out, my boyfriend would favor that — ya know ‘ot ay mean? Wink wink. For now I just fancy myself as a 19th century street whore, or a pirate. Arrgh! You see back in the day if you had weak teeth and no money, while you were essentially fucked, you just kept on hooking, kept on pirating.
Send donations to repair Auntie Grandma Sandee’s rotten ass teeth to:
The Land of Make Believe
New York City, New York
P.S. I’m off to the dentist on the morrow! Wish me luck mateys!
- Actually read “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” to learn how to win friends and influence people.
- Tried to have sex with someone she hated.
- When she was 11, her esophagus closed up because of a disease called acalasia. She has the dubious distinction of having had this rare disease! (But never the distinction of having rare genius, or of being a rare beauty, or of having a rare talent that people pay lots of money for, BUT a RARE DISEASE she surely did have indeed.)
- Has been to 30 of the states in the United States of America.
- For an hour DJayed at a party with two turntables and a microphone (in which she didn’t speak).
- In 1977 she made out for an hour on her parent’s sofa to the eight track tape of Richard Pryor’s “That Nigger’s Crazy.”
- She passed out on a bench in Central Park and came to at 3AM with no body parts missing (the only thing missing was her beloved pink earring).
- Usually does not enjoy singing.
- Talked on the phone for two hours with the late Peter Steele of Type-O-Negative (who said, by the way, that “[she had] a very sexy voice”); he promised to visit the next day but it didn’t happen.
- When she fell on financial hardship, received $1500 from her church for rent.
- Can mouth the script along with the 1968 movie “Night of the Living Dead.”
- Kissed a rapper — in the mouth.
- Sang Tom Jones’ “What’s New Pussy Cat” karaoke with a black boa, as a weekly feature at Keenan’s Piano Bar. Well, maybe not as an actual feature, but as an expected drunken feature rolling on the floor.
No. Have you? And I take umbrage with you mocking my sexual misfortune! But jokes aside, this, as some may know, is a medical related question asked by one of those pharmaceutical monsters pushing their latest drug for the disease of the hour. The male voice-over says it along with the list of 459 side-effects that you may get after swallowing the cure for your malediction. Aha hahahahahahahahaha!
Where’s this region? They don’t tell me where it is! What if I’ve been to it? What happens when I go there and I take this drug? Fuck! Certain fungal infections? What kinds of fungal infections could they possibly be referring to? Oh lord my anxiety disorder is kicking in — I’m scared! I’ve been to several regions this year but I don’t know if any of them are the ones that I need to be concerned with.
I’ll share the words of the great Peter Steele, may he rest in peace:
Large two inch maggots
Decorate my vomit
Infected eyes, ooze with pus!
Acknowledge the stench of human excrement,
Swamps of mucous prevalent…
Every hole in my body drips blood,
Every hole in my body drips blood,
Every hole, in my body, drips, blood…
So…don’t forget… to take your medicine…