Today I thought I’d eat a turkey, cranberry, and stuffing sandwich and watch Thankskilling on Netflix. Not only do I love Eva Halloween for keeping Halloween alive all year, I also love her for introducing me to this movie. Even if I don’t like it – I love the idea of watching it on Thanksgiving. This doesn’t mean I’m not grateful for stuff.
But I might get to hang out with my dear friend and her mom instead. I’m grateful for that. She came to the rescue five years ago on X-mas when I had nothing going on. While not a fan of Thanksgiving and X-mas, I do usually visit relatives.
Five years ago on X-mas I went to this friend’s house and had the X-mas of the century. It involved Bloody Marys. Stupid me topped those off with antihistamine because of my allergy to the dog and had to be ‘walked’ home. At least I remembered it all – oh wait – no I didn’t. “Did you like the gift that I bought for you?” I asked the next day. “I opened it in front of you. Don’t you remember?” She said.
For the next fifty years, with a little help from my friends, I’m going to piece together all of the events, incidents, and ‘interludes’ that alcohol viciously purloined from me.
I had a crush on Frankenstein’s Monster when I was a girl. He was very sweet but nobody understood him. He was pushed into a corner and had to come out fighting. “You treat like monster? I act like monster,” he says. He didn’t ask to come into this world, into this horrible place — very much like me. He reaches out but people wearing liederhosen throw rocks and chase him while carrying torches–very much like what happens to me.
At Halloween time, which is my Christmas, I put framed pictures of my first honey in different poses all over my apartment. I’m excited as the time is nigh. I love October! And away with this stinkin’ humidity and season of funky ass crack stench! I don’t want to intrude on Eva Halloween’s territory but I want to share this wonderful opener for the Saturday evening Creature Feature movies, circa 1970somethingorother. Eva Halloween has the coolest site, especially for Halloween enthusiasts. I remember three of my girl cousins and I huddled in their bedroom one Saturday evening, watching Creature Features. All the lights were turned out and we had popcorn — good times, good times. This is when I first divulged my crush. They paid my honey very little to be in this video because they thought he was stupid. But he was not. He knew it would make him famous. There’s a little public announcement at the beginning but it’s kind of cool and retro:
I said in Le Clown’s comments that I dated a chick with a dick, and he and Jennifer Worrell said I should write about it – thanks guys for suggesting the material – here it goes:
[First, let me deconfuse you – I refer to Beverly in this story as Beverly, him/her, he/she, he, she, him, her – they’re all the same tranvestite.]
I went out with a chick with a dick – what?! We met in the Tiki Bar or whatever the fuck the name of that place was. We talked for the longest. Though the bar was dark, this was clearly a man dressed like a woman — long blonde wig, white head band, tasteful muted dress cut slightly above the knee, and white go go boots. He/she was a white man, about 6’ 2”. Beverly hipped me to the fact that he was just a man who liked to wear women’s clothes, but that he liked women and didn’t want a sex change. We flirted with each other because I loves me a man dressed up in women’s clothes. I told him/her that I wanted my ex-boyfriend to dress like a woman but he said hell to the no! I think always of that sexy Tim Curry in the movie version of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
We left the Tiki Bar or whatever the fuck it was called, and went to the Cancun Bar. He/she asked if he could kiss me at that bar. We sat at a small table. Hells yeah! Wow! Beverly the man was the shit! Beverly was the best kisser! I met him/her another time at the Tiki Bar and I got soooooooo plastered, that he/she said I should take a cab home. I slurred my address to Beverly and she told the driver and poured me into the yellow cab.
He/she called the next day and we made a date to go to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I would have liked if we kissed on those big stairs where all the students and tourists like to hang out. But Beverly couldn’t make it as it turned out. I forget what happened to him her. This was quite a while ago and I was drunk. I wanted to have sex with him/her and write about it and/or tell alllllll my friends. I told my relatives at Christmas dinner last year about this — including one of my favorite Aunties who’s a minister – well all my aunties are my favorite – anyway, they didn’t judge me and they did laugh and ask lots of questions, which I liked, seeing as I could provide the x-mas entertainment and all.