chinese

I helped make somebody a Hollywood Star. And yet I live, ever so humbly. I wrote a play in college in’91 and handpicked three people from my class to star in it. They didn’t act on stage, just read the script in a workshop. I don’t even remember the name of it — but still! I only just remember that one of the characters was insane — of course.

After starring in my blockbuster play, Famke Janssen developed a very successful movie career for which I totally take credit. I had no idea then that she was getting into acting. I saw her on the big screen for the first time in the X-Men. “My protégé!” I cried, pointing at the screen.

Famke was nice. I liked Famke, but Famke never gave me credit for catapulting her to success. Famke hasn’t thanked me.

If her ship starts sinking and mine begins doing whatever it is that ships do when they sail very well, would I offer her a lifeboat? Of course I’d offer her a lifeboat – I molded her career for goodness sake – remember in the World of Suzie Wong, Suzie Wong she kept saying this – in that cute Chinese accent — “For goodness sake!” What a racist movie, but for the life of me I just love saying that. Nancy Kwan rules!

Really, I don’t think Famke Janssen’s ship would sink and would never wish for it to sink.

Kiss kiss on both cheeks to Famke Janssen – well hell, all four cheeks – this post is called “Celebrity butt kissing series” for goodness sake!

Long live the beauteous Famke Janssen!

What celebrity encounters have you had? Do you know Famke Janssen?

Dawn of the millennium, 1999: my nervous breakdown manifests itself as clinical anger. I smear on war paint and get on the A train. Beware the person who opens a newspaper too wide into my space, who sits next to me and bangs me with their elbow while searching for gum, who rests a bag on a seat while the train is crowded…

Flowing with the stream I’m a fucking human lemming on 42^nd Street. GOD FORBID I walk west while everyone walks east — these gray-suited motherfuckers would knock me down!

I get to the corporate hell-hole without a bruise, without running into co-workers on the way demanding exhausting talk. I don’t like a lot of the people here. Most are aggressive, game-playing, conniving, shit-eating grinners – back-stabbing, pus-filled goons. They keep the system going in circles with great numbers of casualties all over the world. Consciousness doesn’t negate my complicity, as I purchase the shoes made in Chinese factories, consume the items that require the going elsewhere and sucking out resources and labor for this never-ending demand of we who seek great distraction for the cost of a gaping hole filled with Zoloft. Ahhhh, but what soothes a mind heavy with routine and knowledge? A call from Martin Lemmon’s secretary Gabby on the 57th floor – “Sandee, let everyone know there’s cake left over from the meeting in conference room B.”