I wish that I could be satisfied

I wanted to post something before the month ended.  Maybe I’ve allowed a month to pass between posts before, but tonight I didn’t want that to happen, which isn’t usually how I operate.  I’m relaxed about blogging.

For the last few months I’ve focused on writing two short stories and trying to get them published.  After this, I’m “relaxing” and working on other aspects of my life.

Since my job at the botanical garden became seasonal, I have four months off.  My other job as a cemetery guide is also seasonal, so during a hiatus I can fantasize that this time was created for me to fulfill my aspirations.

The reality is that it’s simply a break.  If these stories get published, I could reflect in this way on the break.  The problem with having a hiatus in conjunction with these aspirations is that I have time to fantasize.  I don’t want to become delusional.  My ideal life would be having these two jobs as day jobs, while being a writer.

I was excited when I sent my story “Night Terrors” to Calliope from a listing in Poets & Writers, and they contacted me days later to say that they were interested.

But I became an ingrate.  They were small potatoes – self admitted.  I wanted to be in Glimmer Train, or one of the other ones that paid big – hahaha!

I sent my latest story to quite a few magazines.  I wanted to hear from them a few days later, the same way that I had heard from Calliope.

I don’t feel like I can call myself a writer if I haven’t been published “big time.”  I need to be satisfied with my personal progress.  I said I wouldn’t write anymore if these stories are rejected.  That’s probably not true.  I hope that I could get these stories published then get an agent for the novel that I wrote, which was rejected by agents years ago.  My “fantasy” is to get my “Mean-Spirited Tales” (at the sidebar) published also.

I think if I had an office job again, I would be distracted from writing, which would be good.  But, I’m here now.  So I need to be fine with it, and simply take steps in the direction that I want to be in.

I also want to lose weight faster.  I know people who would be satisfied with the weight that I came down from.  My friend said she’d be satisfied with a similar weight.

It would be less strain if I was fine with the 15 pound weight loss, but I got greedy and want to be skinny again.

It has to do with the illusion that I have control over something.  Life is wild and I need to be flexible.  Having fixed ideas or the illusion of control makes me brittle and neurotic.  I wish that I could take this relaxed attitude that I have about blogging into other areas of my life.

I’m moving like a crab. Sideways.

[I tried scanning a picture of a crab I took on a Jamaican beach but my scanner doesn’t want to work.  So I inserted ‘ol faithful up there instead.]

I’m moving like a crab.  Sideways.  I’m dragging my ass about reading the proof copy of my book to check formatting issues.

I have an agenda.  I need to finish reading so that I can order copies to take with me to readings; then I have other things to take care of.   (Ooo, mysterious right?)

The last few months have been a whirlwind.  I never ever wanted to go on facebook and I would never have considered blogging.  I’ve participated in both for my marketing effort.  If it weren’t for my book and blog I wouldn’t be on facebook.  Facebook is, well it’s…I won’t go there.  It’s everything I thought it would be and worse.  Even though I get caught up in the madness myself.  I’ve learned a lot about people from facebook.  I keep swearing I’ll disable my account once my marketing effort is exhausted — whatever that means — but that would be stupid.

I promised to put all that I could behind publishing my book then move on.  I think I might be moving slowly because I’m afraid of the other side, that it will be anticlimactic.  I feel the opposite of that stupid song I hate from the eighties, where the guy says “My future’s so bright.  I need to wear shades.”  I don’t like the song but I wish I could say what he said —  I feel like my future’s so dark, I need to get in a coffin.

I like that I am moving forward despite misgivings though.  But I’m moving forward through bug laden molasses, sideways like a crab.   I do indeed look forward to getting to the other side so that I can take care of other things in my life.  I ain’t gettin’ no younger!

A Luddite on Twitter, Emoticons and Facebook Editing

🙂 😦

I finally figured out how to make smiley faces with a colon and close parenthesis symbol.  After my frustrating search on the wordpress screen for buttons to click that would yield me the yellow orb of idiotic expression, with or without teeth, I looked for clues in the comments section — you guys really like those things in the comments section.  I found nothing, after peering at length for any clue that might be hovering around the yellow heads.  Scrolling, scrolling downward — I get more comments these days — I spotted it — a naked colon and close parenthesis symbol — what the?!  Why, this must be it, I thought.  But somehow it didn’t take in this person’s comment box — it didn’t flesh out.  Putting my analytical mind to task, I concluded that sometimes having an ellipsis at the end of a sentence interrupts the full fleshing out of these amazing creatures.  This poor person may not have known this.  I practiced in my own box — as I always do — and — blam! — I got a head.  I was so proud of myself because I even figured out if you use the colon and open parenthesis symbol, the reverse, you get a frowny face.  But my excitement was muted when I saw that someone had festooned their box with a live animated head, with the ability to open and close their mouth in hideous, mocking laughter.  I got over it however because today I figured out how to edit a comment on facebook!

I’m only on the blog and facebook and the twitter for four months.  And while I have a twitter account I’m too overwhelmed to use it now.  So it just sits there at present.  I swore up and down Broadway that I would not succumb to any of it.  But I realized that if I would be publishing a homemade book, that I had to do my own sorry-ass piss poor marketing — so the twittering, facebook and blogging it shall be!

Twittering for Luddites

I’m one of these.  If not for my father telling me to “get with the program” in 1987, I never would have gotten an answering machine.  My dear totally-my-hero-Dad from beyond the grave even had power to force me to get with the program.  After his death in 2003, I was forced to get call waiting, years after it had been introduced to the public.   After his death so many people called, and at that same time I was looking for a job, so I couldn’t have my lines tied up.  So, from beyond the grave, my Daddy forced me to “get with the program,” and get call waiting.   Think I’m bad? Yesterday, I swear, I talked to a lady who still has a rotary phone.

So here we are in 2012, and I’m finally blogging, way after the idea of blogging began. But fuck that twattering, what is it — that twittering bullshit.  I find this blogging medium serves just as well for twittering:  that time of month. so hungry, want sugar, fuck food!

Follow me.