Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

For the drama queen in me.  It’s very cathartic.

Peter Steele’s lyrics to Inner Conflict:

Nothing can stop the pain

and nothing can stop the pain

suffering from anxiety

it seems like an eternity

Somebody, somebody kill me

Somebody put me out of my misery

Inner Conflict

Inner Conflict

The pain it only gets worse

and the pain it only gets worse

give up ’cause there is no hope

life is hell when you can’t cope

Somebody, somebody kill me

Somebody put me out of my misery

(My favorite part of the song)

I think I’m losing my fucking mind

Large two inch maggots decorate my vomit

infected eyes oozing pus

acknowledge the stench of human excrement

swamps of mucus prevalent

every hole in my body drips blood

every hole in my body drips blood

every hole in my body drips blood

Hate is fear

I rip at my face in the mirror

death approaching

expiration growing nearer

I’m rotting inside

I’m disgusted with myself

I’m in hell

Why do a public reading if you hate reading out loud?

I hate reading out loud.  I feel like I’m publicly luxuriating in my ability to enunciate fluent English, or showcasing the melodic quality of my voice.  Reading to a roomful of people makes me anxious.  I buy my 1 and 4 year old nephews books when I visit, which means I must read to them, but I don’t really like it.  It makes my mouth tired and I hate when I start to sound nasally.  Generally when reading out loud, I feel my persona or whatever vibe I may have at the moment intruding on the text.  Reading out loud also makes me feel like I’m showing off how well I can read out loud.

At my author reading on Saturday for my book Mean-Spirited Tales, the words rolled right off, of course, because I know these stories blind.  I think I did a fair job of being animated when necessary.  It felt like a performance.  A lot of people came and there was some interaction.  My one good friend was the ring-leader with her laughter and applause.  My sister came from Massachusetts — how blessed I am.  Fellow blogger Margarita from Serenity in the City came with her husband — what a pleasure it was to meet her!  “We actually exist,” I told her.  She’s a very attractive woman with a great vibe.  I talked to her for a while.

I was overwhelmed in a good way at all of the support that I got.  When I got up to read there was screaming and loud applause.  The laughter was fun.  I often laugh while writing some of my shit, hoping that others will laugh when they read it, but I was surprised even at some of the places where people laughed.  I stopped at one point to ask the audience, “That was funny? Okay,” and I laughed along with them.

People called the next day and said they had a good time.  Whew!  To me it was rather exhausting.  Ms. Waiting from The Waiting described doing readings as nerve-wracking — that’s exactly it.  I don’t know if I want to do another one.  If I do have another reading, maybe I’ll ask someone else to read.

And thanks so much to all of the bloggers who wished me well a couple of days ago.  I took all of the well-wishes with me.

 

 

 

Heeelp!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can you put me in a medically induced coma?  For the last month I have been waiting for some news to come by May 9^th, so this last week has been murder.  The sand is running out of the hour glass.  May 9^th is nigh, and I exist with a frantic edge.  I’m afraid I can’t tell you what I’m waiting for at this time.  If I told you, I’d have to — you know the rest.  I’m not waiting for the results of a medical test thank goodness.

The medically induced coma would put my evil mind to rest during this waiting period.  My mind inflicts my body with odd little glitches and a vague malaise.  Having experienced neurosis-driven conditions before, I suspect that this waiting for May 9^th period (along with a few other issues) has quite a bit to do with my insomnia and the one or two other physical things happening to me that I won’t even bother to get into.

In my early twenties, suddenly I couldn’t swallow food – except for sweets (very tell-tale about this so-called ‘swallowing condition’) – and anyone who knows me well knows that I’d rather eat cake than food – fuck food.  (The going out and getting it, the energy used to balance your diet, killing it, cooking it, taking an hour to eat it – what a pain!)  I went to the doctor, who prescribed a lovely medication.  The pill allowed me to swallow food once more, and it also made me unusually mellow.  I called the doctor to find out what was in the pill and he told me that it was phenobarbital (I was a dumb kid who didn’t think to ask what was in it before he prescribed it – if I had known I wouldn’t have taken it).

This was a lesson about my neurosis.  I have seen as well what stress does to other people, what sicknesses they contract because of it, so I just remind myself of this mind-body connection, hoping that my body will eventually see the dirty little trick that my mind has been playing (Or is this the other way around?).

I’ve seen what some fellow bloggers in the sphere have lived through so I know I can do it.  But I’ll do it with a slight sense of hell…  In the interim, I must remember to be kind, helpful, and compassionate to people, to be of service – it’s not all about me — but it is all about me dammit.  Thanks for listening.

Have You Been to a Region Where Certain Fungal Infections Are Common?

 

No.  Have you?  And I take umbrage with you mocking my sexual misfortune!  But jokes aside, this, as some may know, is a medical related question asked by one of those pharmaceutical monsters pushing their latest drug for the disease of the hour.  The male voice-over says it along with the list of 459 side-effects that you may get after swallowing the cure for your malediction.  Aha hahahahahahahahaha!

Where’s this region?  They don’t tell me where it is!  What if I’ve been to it?  What happens when I go there and I take this drug?  Fuck!  Certain fungal infections? What kinds of fungal infections could they possibly be referring to?  Oh lord my anxiety disorder is kicking in — I’m scared!  I’ve been to several regions this year but I don’t know if any of them are the ones that I need to be concerned with.

I’ll share the words of the great Peter Steele, may he rest in peace:

Large two inch maggots

Decorate my vomit

Infected eyes, ooze with pus!

Acknowledge the stench of human excrement,

Swamps of mucous prevalent…

Every hole in my body drips blood,

Every hole in my body drips blood,

Every hole, in my body, drips, blood…

So…don’t forget… to take your medicine…