I’m getting my hustle on for my book and may be doing more readings. I envision waddling up and down Broadway wearing a flappy sign with a picture of my book Mean-Spirited Tales on it, front and back. Maybe I’ll hurl copies of my book from a tray to passengers on the A train. Really — no. I did read an article about a man who makes boo koo dinero selling candies on the train this way. Hurrah for self-employment! High falutin publishers, kiss my grits — no I totally take that back. But the threat of the self-published author is on the rise. Just saying.
I used to think it was cheesy. But it’s not now — not since I’ve done it. It is more reputable than it was in the past. Though there is snobbery about it. At this point I’m just glad to have sold enough to buy groceries, socks, candies, and Styrofoam skulls.
It’s brilliant that people have read something I’ve written, and that they’ve paid either ninety-nine cents for the Kindle version or nine ninety-five for the hardcopy. I’ve always dreamed of making money writing. You’ve all helped to make that come true. Each and every last one of you out there in TV land.
I spoke to a woman who manages space for vendors. She explained the system to me. It wouldn’t be cost-effective for me to buy space to sell my book. But I appreciated the feedback. Much love to her.
I spoke to a gentleman at a bookstore today. He said they were always concerned in getting numbers in for book signings. He told me that he had been disappointed in the numbers of people that writers had brought in for their readings. He asked if I thought I could bring in 20 people. I told him I had 25 people for my last reading at the Indian Road Cafe. I believe more people would have come if it weren’t at 10:30pm on a Halloween weekend. I hope I didn’t exhaust my numbers in the last reading. I so hope some of you come to my next one. I’ll give out candies and promise not to read War & Peace.
Haha! — Wouldn’t it be messed up if I invited everyone to my reading, and read a technical book on statistics instead – leaving everyone baffled? – Hey, wait a cotton picking minute! – I must back track to what I said up there about the Kindle version of my book – it’s only ninety-nine cents! So why isn’t, like, everyone buying it? That WSJ article about marketing my book is a liar – yes, an article can be a liar.
I thought titling my book Mean-Spirited Tales would be cheeky. But maybe people don’t like “Mean.” They take it literally. Maybe I’ll change it to Saccharine Tales of Banality. Haha!
I sell copies of my book every month, hallelujah. So where’s my $27.69 from last month’s sales? The price of *quinoa just went up and I need Halloween socks, a disposable rain bonnet, and some Limited Edition Pop Tarts.
Amazon was supposed to shoot this money over to my account. I wish they’d hurry up–it’s Pop Tarts LI-MI-TED Edition! By the time I get my money, the damn things won’t be in the supermarket anymore.
*For those of you who don’t give a shit, quinoa (pronounced: keen-wah) is a healthy ‘super-food’ that tastes like ass-crack. It costs a lot of money but I could probably grow it on my fire escape.
Hey everybody wish me luck. Tonight I’m having an author reading from my home-made book, Mean-Spirited Tales. I’ll read two regular “mean” stories and part of one horror story in honor of Halloween. It’ll be at a local café.
My friend came by the other day. He told me that he finished my book. I asked him if he saw any errors in it and he said no. I did catch two in the Kindle version, before the hard-copy was published. I fixed them though. It would’ve sucked worse if there were errors in it after I had paid somebody two hundred and fifteen million dollars and ninety nine cents to edit it. I’ve seen this before – books from “reputable” publishers with errors. I saw a mistake in An Arsonist’s Guide to Writers’ Homes in New England. I wonder if Brock Clarke saw it. It made me not feel so bad about the errors in my home-made book.
Before I published my book I read this WSJ article about another home-made book that did really well. So I did the same thing this author did as far as advertising, etc. I might have missed something though, because hers sold a gazillion copies – ha! She said she didn’t spend more than $1500 I think. I spent less than that. Let’s see, she bought a review from Kirkus – check – she bought an ad on Goodreads – check – but I swear I don’t remember her saying anything about an editor. I did have friends look at some of my stories. The one published in Calliope, Night Terrors, only needed a couple of edits for clarity so I thought I had a handle on editing, although ‘they’ say never edit your own stuff. Ah but bunk it! Maybe I’ll do it for my novel – hire a cute boy editor.
Of course I’m one in the legions who harbors a fantasy that my home-made book will be the next self-published success story. Aghh! At this point I’m just happy that people are reading the book that I wrote. No that’s a damned lie. I want to be the next self-published success story.
Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell had a steamy chemistry. I read that Marvin Gaye says they didn’t have anything going on. When I see their video — doesn’t look that way to me! She was such a cutie, very flirty with him. They’re sexy to watch. She’s alive, so animated with personality. This poor girl died when she was 24 of a brain tumor. I watched a documentary about her. Marvin Gaye was devastated by her death. She experienced much in her short life. She enrolled in medical school and dated James Brown!
Since it’s all about me — if I had achieved a modicum of her success at that age, I would be dead, too — no disrespect — much love! Oh the gifts of drugs and liquor I would have happily imbibed as a brash young, conceited and self-centered writer. I suppose that’s why I did not achieve that success as the sweet sweet universe was protecting its special little Sandee — pah.
So now at the age of 151, I’m transrolling (no, this word isn’t in the dictionary or Wikipedia — I made it up) my Kindle book into a hard copy book, going back and forth, back and forth, back and forth with Amazon’s Create Space ‘specialists’ who hate my rotten guts as I’ve called them 25 times. But nevertheless I get closer. So, while we all wait for my monumental achievement, please, if you will, enjoy Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell:
CORRECTION: Tammi Terrell took premed courses — oops!
Great news. I can read my own book now! I told everyone who had a Kindle that they should buy my book, but I didn’t have a Kindle my damn self! I had planned on buying one but had to take care of some pesky financial obligations first.
But then my sister discovered that you could download Kindle for a PC and forwarded the link: http://www.amazon.com/gp/feature.html/ref=kcp_pc_mkt_lnd?docId=1000426311 .
I downloaded it and now I have access to Kindle books, including my own! Hooray! Now I can read all of my brilliant tales on Kindle and you can too! Just click the book cover on the sidebar and you’ll be half-way to the land of unbridled genius.
Read the tale of a sadist, a beheading, a foot fetish, and liver pate! My God — this is a book for freaks! But don’t worry, I think you non-freaks will find this book a refreshing catalogue of what really goes on in those normal little heads of yours. Don’t be afraid to look… I love you!