Published March 25, 2014 by Sandee


Auntie Sandee has to find a death metal concert. The last concert I went to was a while ago on 14th Street in Manhattan. It was a theater that had auditorium seats sweeping upward, stadium style. At the lower level were the stage and the floor where the boys and girls were slam dancing – is that what they call it? My friend and I sat up up up, away from that shit with other oldsters – I respect old people who aren’t afraid of liking what they like in public.

It was cool looking down at the slam dancers from that level. They looked like Satan’s minions. It’s interesting that some of these bands are middle-aged while the audience is mostly youngsters. This was an Obituary concert. There were two bands I also knew who opened for them, Goatwhore and Krisiun.

Between sets the audio system played the same barrage of death metal groups I have on Pandora. I was in my element. When Obituary came on, fuck that shit, my friend and I ran down the stairs and hit the floor. I screamed my ass off, “Fuuck meeeeeeee!!”

Two days later — whip lash. Dummy me didn’t moderate my head banging. I wondered why the oldsters in the stadium seats seemed only to bang their heads just here and there. They knew better. Every time I think I might outgrow the music, no.

One day last week I was depressed, angry, anxious. I put the music on and it went away. I have it on as I’m writing this. It’s therapeutic. I have anger issues. When I went to that show I was home. So I need to find another concert. I can’t be in my apartment screaming like this and banging my feet on the floor. The concert has to be in the city though. If I had a band it would be this kind of band. I can’t growl, but I think my sister can. She’s young and pretty. She could front it.

At the end of that last show I went to they played Ol’ Dirty Bastard through the sound system – I loved that they crossed two extreme genres like that:

45 comments on “Therapy

  • Hahaha! You’re too funny. ” Dummy me didn’t moderate my head banging” It happened to me years ago. I went to a party went down to the floor a few time. My knees hurt for almost a year, no joke.
    It’s good to find peace in a world filled with madness.

  • I laughed at the band name and song, Ol’ Dirty Bastard, plenty of them around no matter where you live!
    so with you on the anger issues, mine come flying back as soon as I reduce my meds, hey bloody ho, working out helps, as does taking some asshole down verbally, but trying to give the latter up. so anti social doncha know… 😉

    • Yeah Jessica, that’s a good way of putting it — commitment. I realize after all these years that I’m a committed fan. It wasn’t just a phase. It’s a lot like classical music fans, or jazz fans — I definitely describe myself as a death metal enthusiast.

    • I know you might find this hard to believe but I listen to everything, so I might be able to get into Kenny G — no, wait — I yeah, no. I guess that would be a big fat no Kenny G for me, please — ahahaha!

  • Music can be so therapeutic, Sandee. One of the many artists Milton and I both like to listen to for our therapy is Barbra Streisand. Years ago, when he mentioned his fondness for Streisand during a casual conversation about music at his Grind, his boss, a black woman, exploded, “I always knew you sided with white people!” He was walking on air the day she resigned.

    • Oh my God, she sounds like a real ass! It’s a shame that people are so narrow-minded. My mom loved loved loved Barbra Streisand, so I grew up with her. We listened to all kinds of music and while growing up, I was never shy about liking hard rock, heavy metal. When I got older and discovered death metal and underground hardcore, I shouted that out too! Fortunately for me I haven’t been confronted with too many ignorant comments about what I like being a black girl.

      • Milton was LIVID when she said that to him, but he didn’t reveal what he was thinking at work because she was a jerk and it would only make things worse. She also hated gay people. I’ve never gotten into heavy metal, but I do love Lou Reed’s Rock & Roll Animal record, especially the song “Heroin”. I played that all the time in my youth. It was very therapeutic to my teenage self. I listened to it again last year after he died. I still think it’s a great song.

    • Aw, thanks GP! — I don’t know what the hell’s wrong with me — hahaha! It’s really sweet though, my friends are always willing at least once or twice, to listen along with me when they visit. They’re curious to see what it is that I listen to.

  • Here’s a poem for you Sandee:
    I wrote it about me (kind of)…last week when I (too) was having some anger “issues” and after placing my energy into something like 24 small collages that all look like a “girl-monster” of some kind, I wrote the poem, called, Keep Your Soul

    These creatures that come out
    who determines them?
    Not your best critic
    Not conditioning
    Or training
    Or politeness
    Nor manners
    Nor morals
    But insistent on woes
    And in said throes
    when “they” start Counting
    what some call blessings
    and others call wishes
    Use YOUR own lamp…

    Then they will remember
    your wild eyes glaring
    and how it is to be free.

    (as a fellow “head banger” of sorts and a musically eclectic collector, I wanted to share it with you… furthermore recommending epsom salts in a hot bath if you haven’t tried that already for your whiplash and thanking you wholeheartedly for another good post to read. I love the freedom you lend to everyone through the strong voice of your blog.)

  • Comments like yours makes the blogging experience so worth it! Thanks you so much Katherine! Your comment really touched me, and I appreciate it so much — in the vein of what you say at the end of the comment — it helps me to appreciate a certain kind of uninhibited connection between people and definitely to grow from it.

    I love your poem, ‘These creatures’ who aren’t ‘your best critic,’ ‘insistent on woes and in said throes’ — so well painted and motivated by truth. That will probably stay with me for a while, especially when I want to believe the b.s. that I feed myself sometimes — I can remember what you say in your poem to help counteract what the ‘monster’ is telling me. Love it!

    • Thanks for your kind words about the poem. And just so you know, I do not see you as a monster at all… but if you were one, you’re a lovable one. Sometimes it’s okay to listen to your monster and feel her and go dance as you did, I mean… and work that out. And transform the energy into its antithesis. The “universal you” meaning “you” in general… which is all of us, I mean… Well, I think She’s valid. A part of you too that has reasons. I like that your writing helps me think about this kind of thing and helps clarify my own “creature”. Anyhow… i like you and want you to be exactly you however you grow. Keep on Keeping on, Sandee!

      • Aw gee, I’d like to think of myself as lovable! To use your word, ‘transforming’ energy I think is what helps me grow. Thanks again for the feedback Katherine!

        • Wow…I love that you transform “energy” to grow. That’s a powerful channel to tap.

          I just came across a quote by Susan Sontag that made me think of what you said and why I must be drawn to that kind of ability to change energy. *excerpt from a collection on the topic of Love:
          “I’m only interested in people engaged in a project of self-tranformation.”
          Thanks again for sharing some of your “dance steps” so to speak!

  • I hear you, Getting our little weekly fix going to see Dyin’ Breed rehearse on a Friday, but I really need a ‘good’ night out!!! Hmmm… should have written ‘really’ in caps!

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