I wish that I could be satisfied

Published February 28, 2014 by Sandee

Półakt_kobiecy_-_Franciszek_Żmurko

I wanted to post something before the month ended.  Maybe I’ve allowed a month to pass between posts before, but tonight I didn’t want that to happen, which isn’t usually how I operate.  I’m relaxed about blogging.

For the last few months I’ve focused on writing two short stories and trying to get them published.  After this, I’m “relaxing” and working on other aspects of my life.

Since my job at the botanical garden became seasonal, I have four months off.  My other job as a cemetery guide is also seasonal, so during a hiatus I can fantasize that this time was created for me to fulfill my aspirations.

The reality is that it’s simply a break.  If these stories get published, I could reflect in this way on the break.  The problem with having a hiatus in conjunction with these aspirations is that I have time to fantasize.  I don’t want to become delusional.  My ideal life would be having these two jobs as day jobs, while being a writer.

I was excited when I sent my story “Night Terrors” to Calliope from a listing in Poets & Writers, and they contacted me days later to say that they were interested.

But I became an ingrate.  They were small potatoes – self admitted.  I wanted to be in Glimmer Train, or one of the other ones that paid big – hahaha!

I sent my latest story to quite a few magazines.  I wanted to hear from them a few days later, the same way that I had heard from Calliope.

I don’t feel like I can call myself a writer if I haven’t been published “big time.”  I need to be satisfied with my personal progress.  I said I wouldn’t write anymore if these stories are rejected.  That’s probably not true.  I hope that I could get these stories published then get an agent for the novel that I wrote, which was rejected by agents years ago.  My “fantasy” is to get my “Mean-Spirited Tales” (at the sidebar) published also.

I think if I had an office job again, I would be distracted from writing, which would be good.  But, I’m here now.  So I need to be fine with it, and simply take steps in the direction that I want to be in.

I also want to lose weight faster.  I know people who would be satisfied with the weight that I came down from.  My friend said she’d be satisfied with a similar weight.

It would be less strain if I was fine with the 15 pound weight loss, but I got greedy and want to be skinny again.

It has to do with the illusion that I have control over something.  Life is wild and I need to be flexible.  Having fixed ideas or the illusion of control makes me brittle and neurotic.  I wish that I could take this relaxed attitude that I have about blogging into other areas of my life.

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37 comments on “I wish that I could be satisfied

  • Your title (obviously) drew me in immediately, like a brown bear is drawn to a honey pot.

    I am so proud of you and I wish that you could be satisfied as well but then again maybe we stop moving when or if we ever do reach something like satisfaction. You seem to be heading in the right direction! I admire your courage and your determination. I know that it is going to pay off. (Don’t forget the little people! 🙂 )

    You RULE Sandée!

    Bises,
    Dawn

    • Hehehehe! I totally used that title AND image to draw people in — bad me! In reference to what you say about not moving once you’re satisfied — I have heard of people getting complacent once they reach a certain level. I thank you for your vote of confidence! I love my name with the accent! Thanks so much Dawn!

  • You have endless potential Sandee. I have no doubt in your writing ability. What I have to do is find myself a balance and discipline myself to stay somewhere close to it. Not that it is an easy task but I am sure you are better at it than me. That drive that keeps us from being too relaxed is what takes us to all the places that we think we could never reach 😉

  • Your goals are admirable Sandee, and, considering your talents, certainly attainable. The problem lies in the fact that achieving those goals depends of the subjective opinions of other people. Their timeline is going to be a lot different that yours.

    I have an idea: Consider spending your downtime focusing *exclusively* on the craft of writing. Forget about marketing yourself, just write and rewrite. Use that precious time to develop your craft and build a portfolio of new stories. Then, when your day job starts up again, begin submitting. That way you’ll be too busy and distracted on the gardens and the cemetery to get too focused on why the acceptance letters aren’t pouring in as quickly as you like.

    But , hey, however you wish to proceed, just keep plugging away. I’m rooting for you, my friend!

  • I can so relate Sandee. Ambition and greed… There is nothing wrong with having ambition and setting your sights on bigger and better. I also believe it’s our natural human instinct to want more and not be satisfied. The trouble is a lot of people, (including myself) sometimes doesn’t draw a line between the two. I think it’s very wise of you to feel that way… The down time may be God’s way of telling you it’s time to let your fury out on paper.
    Keep trucking Sandee. Writing is in your blood. I agree with you, just do it and not think. That’s what I like most about your work. You write what most of us is thinking but too afraid to say.

    • Shauna what you say hits the spot! Thanks so much for giving me your point-of-view on this because it really really helps — as you can see my frustration as well. “Getting the fury out on paper” — Wow! That last short story that I wrote can be described in this process — you must have esp — hahaha! Yes, taking thinking out of the equation in this regard will help the process of my life go a little smoother! Mucho appreciato! I’m glad you can relate!

  • Good luck with the stories. It’s difficult to let ourselves relax about things (at least you’re relaxed about the blogging; that’s a start!), and writing is such a one-day-at-a-time thing. There’s so much patience required.

  • Good stuff here. Always go for the biggies first. They pay, and it’s the highest profile. There’s a lot of competition and it’s impossible to know what is going on in the editor’s head when they review their submission. A rejection can mean that your submission needs work, or that the editor got into a fender bender on the way into the office and they are in a dismissive mood. I’d say that even if they say no, just keep submitting. There is a foot for every shoe.

  • Hi Sandee, I miss you girl…(hear me sounding like one of the girls) lol. I hear you on this post, it’s tough. I want you to keep holding up your head, something is going to happen, Maybe we got to shout a little bit louder for them to hear and see. It’s tough to stand out in today’s media world, in which we can to create a IN that no one is really tapping into, to get published. Weight loss is surely a tough thing too, but I guess you have to talk with someone who knows well about it, in which I got a few tips if we have a conversation, I am always open to chat via email or texting if you text, my number is on my page. I am gunning for you this year, as well as I am working on my works as well, I would love to include you somehow, so more shine is upon your work. Stay in there. Love from within NYC like always.
    Richardo. 🙂 🙂 🙂

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