The Tunnel of Life and Glory to All Mankind

Published February 1, 2013 by Sandee

Flaring_Black_Hole

During lunch at work, I had vagina monologues with my friend.  She had known as a child that you don’t urinate out of your vagina since she had explored it with a mirror. This made me happy, because I was horrified when another friend said that she had never seen hers.  What?!  I thought that the Vagina Monologues had taken care of all the fear and hatred.

As my friend and I are middle-aged, the relationship with this part of our body is different.  At this age, some women don’t bother with it any more, others adjust to the changing climate down there or must learn to deal with a barren tract of land – haha!  I have an okay relationship with my vagina.

Have you seen your vaginas lately?  I hadn’t, which is partly why I mention it now.  Oh I used to look at it all the time, so I have indeed seen it.  It’s just that it’s such a minor ordeal to look at your own vagina.  If it were easier to see, maybe we wouldn’t have needed the Vagina Monologues – there wouldn’t be fear, horror — disgust – some say that the vagina looks like squid.

Men don’t have to position themselves in front of a mirror to see their Willy Wonkas.  I should say ‘penis’ but I don’t feel like it.  Since men have the privilege to view their man pieces easily, there isn’t the same mystery that’s associated with a woman’s vagina.  That’s one of the reasons why vaginas kick your ass!  I propose that we look at it once a week, if only just to make sure that it hasn’t morphed into a hideous sea creature.

Anyway, I’ve posted this video with Khloe Kardashian where they discuss stinking vaginas.  There’s a stupid commercial first, but I do think the video’s worth the wait:

http://www.aol.com/video/khloe-kardashian-my-vagina-smells-like-roses/517659401/

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69 comments on “The Tunnel of Life and Glory to All Mankind

  • LOL! I remember the time my gynecologist is doing my annual, she is down there with the speculums and says “you have a classic uterus, want to see it?” ” Oh hell sure. why not?”
    So she handed me ah mirror. I’ll be damned, yes I do have a picture perfect uterus. Not something you see everyday but it isn’t something I will forget!

  • I never knew they were suppose to “look” a cerrtain way….but I’m not a geonocologist so have no pool of comparison by which to make inappropriate comments. “Classic vagina!?” What the fuck does that mean?

    • Jessica,

      I don’t know you, but since this is my favorite post ever from Sandee I thought I’d perform my good deed for the day and help you out. I looked up “classic vagina” on Urban Dictionary and, sadly, the definition doesn’t exist. I just wanted to let you know that you’ve got a great shot at your 15 seconds of fame if you go over there right now and make one up. “Chinese vagina” DID pop up, however, definition being, “when your vagina has a chinese food scent.” Food for thought. Literally.

      xoxo
      Stacie

      • Thanks Stacie! Hehehe — that Urban Dictionary’s a trip — don’t get me started on going over there to make up a definition — haha! I’m going to take a look at the entry you’re referring to.

  • Okay, I’m at breakfast so I can’t watch the stinking vaginas video until I get home.
    Good lord, Sandee, this was funny! I do like how Courtney Kardashian calls it her “Va Jean.” (soft pronunciation on the J.) it makes it sound French. If mine has a nationality, it’s definitely French. Sometimes, I wish I was Barbie with no openings at all. Just a wall of plastic. Easy breezy. I have’t figured out the rest of how things would work, but so far I like where I’m going with this idea.

    • Oh Lisa — I just laughed so hard at this! Thank you!

      I think I’ll think of this here and there and laugh all day! I especially like that you couldn’t watch the stinking vagina video until later — ahahaha!

  • I love talking about my vagina but my mom gets really uncomfortable when I write about it on my blog, so I like to mention it as many times as I can.

    This is my favorite post that you’ve ever written in the history of penmanship.

    Happy Friday Sandee!

    • Yay for vaginas, right! I tell you it’s so mysterious, so maligned, misunderstood — the uncomfortability factor is historic and epic. I appreciate the support Stacie. Thank you thank you… I hope you enjoy your weekend!

  • I had to scroll through the comments just to see if any men had dared leave one. I found one brave soul.

    Genitals–either male or female–have never been a mystery to me. When you’re in medicine, vaginas and penises are as easily discussed as noses and elbows. Don’t you feel bad for my children?

    • I think your children are very fortunate to have you as mother and role model. The ignorance about genitals that I’ve encountered is frightening. My mom read us books and talked about this with us at an early age — everything from the anatomical aspect to masturbation. Of course I’m not surprised that you approach this subject very naturally — if only others could do the same.

  • Actually I think the WWs you refer to (as in WWII the Big One, as Archie Bunker used to say) are ‘weenies’, and for a good reason. I’ll let you all ponder that.
    I think the doctor that said the woman with the ‘classic uterus’ – should lose their license. You can’t see your uterus with a mirror, only your cervix. Vaginas come in all shapes and colors – being told there was something unusual about my vgg (as Oprah says), in the St. Mark’s Free Clinic when I was 16 traumatized me! Stupid resident.
    Yup, the perfect vagina is your own!
    Cheers, Sandy, great post.

  • What we’re looking at “down there” for those in the mood to look, is the vulva. Frankly, I’d rather look at someone else’s than my own — and while I’m down there, perform some pleasure. Hey, I’m gay. Interesting follow-up post to your love affair with Chilean sea bass …

  • In a way, I kind of wish I had decided to have a baby years ago. That way, I could have broadcasted my vagina way earlier and finally gotten over myself. Vagina childbirth was the most freeing thing ever. Once 5 nurses, 2 doctors, and a couple of other spectators just for good measure have stared at your vag for several hours, the world is no longer a scary place. My vagina is awesome.

  • I don’t think I would want to go near a vagina that smelled of roses for fear that my seasonal allergies would kick in and I would have a sneezing fit!!!!

  • The color, composure and content of your blog are amazing! Yes I regularily check myself out..What would do you prefer other than penis..I am curious as ever.

  • You’d have to be all kinds of limber to view your lady bits without a mirror. I like to think mine won’t morph into something scary. Although if it did, it would make for a good blog post: “My Coochie Turned Into a Squid.”

    • Thanks SSG! Naw, this isn’t a new job. I thought about rephrasing this because it happened last year on the job that I’m on ‘hiatus’ from now.

      I’m anticipating going back in April however. If I had hordes demanding my writing it would be the perfect job for an artist. It’s a nice gig anyway in a heavenly setting in the botanical garden on the Hudson River, everyone’s happy to be there so you have all this nice energy.

      • oh, ok. Nah, you don’t have to rephrase it, I just was getting excited for you

        And I’m glad to hear you’ll be back at the botanical garden. It sounds like a great job and I like the stories you tell us from there 🙂

  • Great post, Sandee. About a month ago, I had the experience of seeing inside of myself when I had a speculum up in me. That was a first. Mirror on the outside is one thing, but looking inside was WILD. I am glad I don’t own a speculum, though, a hand mirror is fine.
    Did you see the movie “Dead Ringers?” CREEPY.

    I didn’t even know who the Kardashian chick is, I guess I’ve only seen her sister’s photos on magazine covers. At least women are talking about their cookies in public. Ultimately, it’s a good thing. Then girls and young women will know that any doctor who says something like “classic uterus” is FULL OF SHIT. I sure wish I had kicked a few MDs in the balls all these years, but when you’re legs are up in the stirrups you are a caught animal. Fuckers.

    Have you read Caitlin Moran’s book “How To Be A Woman” yet? Great chapters on vaginas, pubic hair, everything. I love it!

    Ciao, twinkly

    • Yes Dead Ringers was really creepy — especially those instruments the ‘bad twin’ created to operate on women and the fact that he’s fascinated by all of these imagined anomalies, deformities that women had been coming into his office with — this left an impression on me.

      You make me realize that one doesn’t ever really look at their vagina unless a speculum is used — well, okay so then the portal to the vagina then. 🙂

      That book sounds intriguing — ‘pubic hair’ — hmm.

  • I am never terribly clear about the names. Vulva, vagina, outside; cervix, uterus, inside is good enough for me. And I think it’s important for each of us to name our own stuff. What am I comfortable with or did I take a name that doesn’t fit and attach it to my body? This is one reason I was never terribly comfy with teaching all this stuff to my kids. I was never ashamed about any of it and I tried, but unlike your MD friend, god bless her, I still got the cringies. Even my kids hated me talking to them about sex and body parts and functions. It was so embarrassing to them once they were old enough to reflect on it. Again, Caitlin Moran has a great chapter about names for the vagina.

    I think naming is confusing because we can’t see our junk so easily the way a man (or boy) can–our anatomy is hidden. What is so interesting is that in the animal kingdom, the genitalia are the opposite–the males’ are hidden and protected, the females’ genitals, vulnerable. When we became bipedal, that all changed.

    Have you seen this? I have been bothered by the fact that the artist is a man since I first saw it, but why? It’s great that he did it, but is it still objectification? What is it? Is it obsession? Ultimately, it’s great and should be liberating as I’m sure it was to the women who had their casts done. Why didn’t a woman think of doing this? He is awfully cute, though.

    You know, I heard a show on indie radio in my car yesterday and the woman was talking about the evolution of Eve Ensler’s The Vagina Monologues. And this woman on the radio said the following (direct quote): “some vaginas have been raped.” And I thought WTF? On a show that purportedly is about women and women’s rights and rape and vaginas and she said that. I was shocked. How do you rape a vagina? Is it a separate and detachable body part? NO. It was like the anti-choice people acting as if a uterus is detachable…A woman can be raped, but it is not just her vagina.

    Maybe I misunderstood her, but I think after this post of yours and that statement on the radio and my constant need to vent, I may be inspired to post a rant on my own blog. Thanks for letting me hog all of this space. I am SO long-winded.

    • I appreciate hearing your opinions. This is what the comment section is for. Like your children, I remember feeling kinda icky when my mom talked to me about sex and masturbation. I could tell she felt it was the right thing to do based on ‘progressive’ notions. I felt like it was an intrusion — especially talking about masturbation — yech! — even though it’s my favorite thing — haha! But I didn’t want to talk about it with my mother.

      I like the video a lot. I wonder how he got all those women models. His exhibition shows how there is no ‘classic’ vagina. They’re beautiful. Thanks for posting it.

      Rant on Twinkly!

    • Thanks Kat! Yeah I get the feeling a lot of women regard this region as a scary dark place with who knows what going on down there — so the sea creature comparison is imaginable in these cases — hahaha!

  • You know I never even thought about the fact that women can’t see their vaginas without the aid of a mirror… That means for most of human history women could never see their own vaginas, as I don’t think looking at its reflection in a pond was all that practical.. or effective.

  • No actually, I haven’t seen my minny up close for quite a some time (perhaps that’s why it is sulking on me), I should probably look it up sometime…or should that be ‘look up it’? 🙂

    Sandee, you just made me do something I never thought I’d ever do, no, not stick a make up mirror between my legs and peer at my flaps, no, no, far worse than that….

    Google the word ‘Kardashian’. There. I said it. Oh the shame….

    That said it was worth it for the laugh, made me spurt tea all over my keyboard….

    Seriously what planet are these women on? ‘My vagina smells of roses’..did she accidentally spray air freshener up there or what?!

    Mine does not smell of roses, Chanel No. 5, or Sticky Toffee Pudding; it smells of me, exclusively, so stick that in your ‘pipe’ and smoke it KK!’

    Sandee I love your writing, be sure to keep it coming x

    • Aw, I’m so glad you like my writing! I think I may just start referring to my vagina as ‘minny’ — ahahaha!

      It’s wrong that women use all these products that throw the natural balance of their vaginas off because they’re afraid of the smell. They don’t realize that in the long wrong they’re probably doing more to make it smelly and not welly — tee hee — in the future.

      • Exactly, when have you last heard a man compare the smell of his crotch to something completely unrelated to it whatsoever? In fact when do they ever comment on their smell at all? They don’t because they don’t see a problem, and neither should we. As long as everyone, men and women wash, stay fresh and keep hydrated there is no problem. You are your own perfume, dab it on your wrists and enjoy it! I used to do that when i went out clubbing and i swear it gets you noticed and in a good way! 😉

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