Opening for Executive Coordinator Position at the Apex Gymnasium and House of Intellectual Property
Responsibilities include:
- Rolling eyeballs in back of head to show just the white part.
- Must have really really white teeth and one grey one.
- Ability to turn eyelids inside out.
- Sitting Indian style for more than half an hour.
- Manage calendar for three busy associates in an office where the temperature is maintained at 102 degrees.
- Must not have an aversion to matted wigs.
- Serve as liaison between associate #1 and the man at newspaper stand.
- Hot dog eating contest experience a plus.
- Must have questionable personal hygiene.
- A black belt in Kung Fu required.
- Maintain a collaborative working relationship with the chair, president, and all board members to ensure that governance and management are aligned, allocating approximately 25% of time and at least 75% of your paycheck to these board members.
- Applicant must have absolutely no sense of humor.
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Yikes! You’re out then. You’re way too funny for this position. I could never sit Indian style for a half hour. That would be it for me!
Thanks BF! I’m always glad someone thinks I’m funny! I can’t sit Indian style either — it’s hereditary! So neither of us is qualified for this job it seems.
Add me as the 3rd one who can’t sit Indian style. Well, I can, but no longer than a few seconds before my knees snap apart. It’s not a flexibility thing; it’s an aging ligament thing. Damn those young whippersnappers. That’s why they get all the good jobs like these…
Young folks — gotta love ’em, with their Indian styled sitting, matted wigs and kung fu fighting skills — eh.
If only real job ads were written like that. I’d apply for more of them.
This is indeed a Monty Python job opening!
I don’t do heat and I’m told I have a sense of humor. Not always sure about that but I do get asked if I’m kidding a lot.
It sounds like you have too much snark for this job. Sorry, Ma’am, we’ll contact you if we should find something more closely matching your skills. 🙂
Haha! So where do I apply? oh right no humor….oops.
I would normally advice that you suppress your sense of humor in order to qualify for a position of this caliber but I’m afraid that the board members and their willy wonkers might tickle your fancy eventually.
You are too hilarious.. “one gray tooth”..that cracked me up 🙂
Heheheheheeeee! That line’s modeled after my own teeth — hehehehehehe!
matted wigs.. i don’t even want to know what these would be used for
I absolutely love this part of the qualification! Seriously, I’m glad you noticed enough to point it out — it made me laugh when I wrote it! Now even I’m imagining suited up board members all wearing matted wigs, sitting in a conference room — hahaha!
I think I was rejected from that job too.
I could fake all of them except for the aversion to matted wigs! Can’t get over that one, nope.
well, I know I have one qualification! I can sit indian style all day practically. I guess that is why my legs ach so much lol
I’m jealous! I can’t sit that way for two seconds.
Does the tooth have to be naturally gray, or can you paint one?
This made me laugh — and for that — yes, you can paint one!
Oh, I don’t think I’m right for that position. The only thing I can do is roll my eyes.
Oh how I wish that I knew how to do that. I’d love to walk into a subway car like that — clear it all out.
Just envisioning that made me really laugh hard, Sandee.
Can you picture it!? Hahahaha!
I’m kind of curious to know what kind of liaising is going on between Associate #1 and the newspaper stand guy…Do Not Dogs count for hot dogs? Sure the sense of humor thing is a deal breaker? Picky, picky, picky! xoxoM
Hehehehe! The liaising between associate #1 and the newspaper guy has to do with intellectual property and international pancakes I believe, if I’m not mistaken. I know right!? The qualifications for these jobs nowadays are ridiculous!
Really? They’re evolved enough for “international” with their pancakes? hehehe! xoM
I know it’s weird, right?
What a dream job. I used to know a guy who could roll his eyeballs like that, it was pretty gross. I too cannot sit Indian style. I love hot dogs but have never been in a contest. But I’ve had jobs where I’m pretty sure 75% of my paycheck did, in fact, end up going to the mucky-mucks. Does that count?
Hahahahahahahahaa!
Where do I sign up? =|
Oh crap Stacie — you can do some of this stuff?! Hahahaha!
The last time I tried to sit Indian-style, about twenty years ago, left me with the groin strain that I still feel today. Guess I’ll resist sending a resume.
You and me both! I’m glad I put this in my post — it’s helped me to see that I’m not alone in my inability to sit this way — seriously — I’ve felt so left out in this — like a stiffy!
Darn, too bad #1 is the only thing I can do. Hahaha! 🙂 I hope it’s not as bad as you write.
I know I can’t do that either! I wish i could. I’d like to walk down the street like that or as I mention in another comment, do it as I step into a subway car to clear it out — muahahahahaha!