Back to square one

Published November 29, 2012 by Sandee

I’ve thought of different ways to make money.  Most of these methods aren’t viable — what do I know about being a madame?  I think of all those hairy gangsters threatening to – I mean offering me buyouts or making me give up ninety percent of my income for ‘protection,’ and it turns me off.

Pity.  I think I have a knack for being a madame, albeit kind of a crazy one.  I would offer my employees benefits and have daycare centers for the ones with families – you know – like Amsterdam.  I had planned to pimp – I meant — to employ men also.  But that idea now is just dust in the wind.

My next way to make loot – being a pirate.  I’d love wearing a black patch over my left eye.  People would think there was such mystery about me, and maybe that I was a bit of a degenerate too.  Oh – and I’d love to tell people to swab the deck and walk the plank.  Do pirates still do that?  I wouldn’t want to be an internet pirate.  Or one of those Somali pirates.  Wasn’t that weird?  Plus – how do pirates make money?  I think they take stuff from people and I don’t like that.  If I’m going to do that I might as well be a cat burglar for a living, and that’s out of the question.

So then I thought I might make cakes because I have passion for it so.  The people would taste the passion and I would get shit loads of customers.  My oven’s from 1980 though.  I’d need those appliances cooks on cable television have.  No way could I afford those!  Just think, the reason I’m considering being a madame, a pirate and a cake baker is because I need extra loot, so kicking out all that cash for state of the art appliances with no certainty of a client base might be fool hardy.  So back to square one, being a broke ass bitch.

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53 comments on “Back to square one

      • Been baking cakes from scratch since I was about twelve and I realized the store ones never really tasted good. Meant I had to bake my own birthday cakes if I wanted a good one. Unfortunately I don’t bake much anymore because I have no willpower and I do like having a waist! But since I was a kid much better pastry and bakeries have come to town, both good and bad for me! Good thing they sell a lot of their cakes by the slice, bad thing since I can buy more than one slice, maybe that is why I’m broke, buying all those slices of cake.

        • Now that’s a great cake story! I had these same cake issues and was really happy when I could buy a slice of black forest cake from the bakery… Good luck to us both with cake discipline!

    • Thanks so much for the “Good luck.” I could use it! I love those cakes on the side bar — Madame Weebles was so kind to send me pictures of the last two. I sure wish I could actually have a piece 🙂

  • oh the possibilites of reinventing onself.You’ll figure it out, I know it!
    If it makes you feel any better,I have thiry two cents in my checking account.
    You make me want to have cake… and I will right now with my coffee at 5am. Sending good vibes your way Sandee.

  • Auntie Sandee,
    I’m not liking this because you are a broke-ass b… Could you make money being a broke-ass b? I like the idea of making cakes, and “people would taste your passion”, as in Like Water for Chocolate . Then you could come to Montreal and live with your other family, and we were all forever happy.
    Le Clown

  • I saw cake and ‘taste the passion’. Yes! Do this. I want to taste the passion!
    And I’m not sure what a madame does, but pirate or madame I volunteer as your trustee sidekick. I’ll get the gold teeth and everything 🙂

    • Wait a minute — I have to go back and look at your blog for poetry because I don’t recall seeing any — I think of good story writing when I think of you — you are one damn great writer.

  • This really made me laugh. Being a broke ass bitch actually sounds really cool, especially when you list it as your occupation. Recently, a house that I pass on my way home put a sign outside their driveway. It says, “Psychic Readings.” This sounds like a real money maker, right? Just tell people what you know they want to hear, and they’ll keep coming back, oh, and make sure to serve them some cake with each visit. 😉
    I guess I solved that problem. I see money in your future….

    • Oh Carrie — I don’t know if you saw a previous reply to your comment — my sister accidentally hacked in, saying ‘I like Carrie’s comment’ — I saw it and thought, gee, I like Carrie’s comment too but I don’t recall writing that! Ahahaha! I checked my comments in the dashboard and found that my sis apologized for the error. I stayed at her house and used her computer under my account, so when she commented it came out under my name!

      But I do indeed love ‘The Cake Pirate’ idea. It’s so me. That’s it Carrie — you so get ME!

  • I don’t like the thought of you as a broke ass bitch. I’m liking the whole pirate thing, especially if you’re a Johnny Depp-like pirate. He’s the best pirate of all, so if you channel JD, I think good things will come your way. =/

  • I’m with everybody else-cake. If your old oven makes good cakes start with that one. As you become rich and famous, you can buy more ovens. Or, how about teaching how to make great cakes? You could wear pirate or madam attire and change it up every other day.

  • Well, since I’m not a *real* Madame I can’t offer you advice on the career potential there, but avoiding shakedowns from thugs probably wouldn’t be much fun. On the other hand, if you can get a friend to be your bouncer, you could probably do well. And you could wear an eyepatch, and serve cakes at the cafe. I mean, most whorehouses don’t have bakeries or cafes attached. This could be a great service. Because you know, after you’ve nailed a strumpet, you might want a crumpet.

    • MW, again, I almost choked while reading your comment! And they don’t call you Madame for nuthin’! — a cafe attached to a whorehouse — genius! I’d like to buy the rights to use your strumpet/crumpet tagline.

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