Published November 19, 2012 by Sandee

Calling someone a beast might feel good in a cheap way, but it’s really imprisoning. Maybe one of the bloggers said that anger was like bondage.  It is.  I’ve been lashing out when I need to be paying more attention to why and what’s going on exactly with me.  I do know what’s going on to an extent but I have to be careful not to look for targets, people who may be obnoxious or intrusive who can conveniently be used as a focus for anger that I have about my own situation.

Yes I called a woman a beast today, and a few days ago I called another woman a fucking asshole.  I don’t yell or scream.  I just say these things matter-of-factly.  And I’m embarrassed to say there have been a couple of other things.  My friend and mentor today told me that I have a controlling personality and that this is why I lashed out and called this woman a beast.  I didn’t approve of her behavior and felt that I had to let her know exactly this.

But I suffer from the who-little-‘ol-me syndrome, maybe.  I never thought I was controlling or even bitchy.  So I never set out to change behavior that might contribute to this because honestly I didn’t know.  I’m trying.  I don’t want to behave this way.  I want to change.

I need to find a new job.  I don’t have medical insurance anymore.  I want to sell more books.  I ain’t getting any younger and I never found a soul mate.  I’m afraid I’ll be homeless and I’m afraid I’ll get sick and have no money.  My job ends in December so the fears ebb and flow.

Forget about today – there’s tomorrow.  I’m grateful I’m not depressed and that I can enjoy my life.  But I’d better be careful.  I live in New York City and I’m not a large person.  My friend reminds me that lashing out at people here can be Russian Roulette.

39 comments on “Beast

  • AGH! Stress will do that to you…

    I am putting good vibes out there into the universe for you…. new job… health insurance…. less stress….

  • I think sometimes when we feel powerless in our lives we either get depressed, turning the anxiety inward, or get angry and hostile, turning the anxiety outward. The less control you have in your personal life, the more you’re apt to try and control others or situations. It’s totally understandable. The fact that you’re now aware is HUGE.

    Remember that scene from Schindler’s List where Liam Neeson attempts to get Ralph Fiennes not to shoot off his gun when he gets bothered? He tells him that the real power comes in “pardoning” a person. If someone does something you don’t like, just think in your head, “I pardon you.” haha! It will keep your sense of power without making you feel bad or getting you into trouble. Eventually, you really will rise above the situation. In the scheme of things it’s all so petty. Keep your eternal perspective, Miss Sandee and rise above everything.

    I read a few more Mean stories last night. It’s such a thrill to know the author. You’ve got real talent, lady. Something will happen soon, I just know it. Stay positive. I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

    • Thanks for your prayers Lisa. That is comforting to know — actually reading your comment was totally comforting. I love your thoughtful response. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine saying ‘I pardon you’. I didn’t see the movie though — these movies make me too angry and sad. I pray for this person regularly also, more to help me. But I do hope that things get better for her. I know that she does have depression.

      I’m working on rising above this situation like you say. My friend was really helpful in getting me to see that I want to control. I didn’t know this. I need to let things be as they are — I’m getting better however.

      Thanks so much again — I was totally emotional reading what you had to say…

    • You’re right Jessica — it could be worse. In this vein I try focussing on the fact that I have absolutely everything I need right now. It’s fuel to push me forward. Thank for rooting for me Jessica — I really really appreciate it!

  • I think last week was a hell of a week for a lot of us. Maybe the upcoming holidays has us a little more stressed. I lashed out at a friend last week too.

    I’m thinking about you and sending you positive vibes too.

    • It’s funny because I never would describe myself as a control freak. I don’t mind when people stay with me and live the way they want as long as they’re respectful, and I don’t mind people changing agendas or plans and stuff like that.

      My control issues have to do with feeling the need to exert justice in the universe that I feel should exist. So it means certain people should be punished for what I deem as violations in my little universe. This happens when my mind gets really small and self-centered and I feel that the world is chaos just because things aren’t going my way. So to feel like there is some justice and so that I have a sense of order I become judge, jury and executioner. I’m having all these fears now so this woman was a convenient example of something ‘out of order’ that I could lash out at.

      I’m glad you understand where I’m coming from. I felt terrible calling her a beast, then I would feel good, then I felt I should tell her more stuff about herself — yes, I was imprisoned by my need to do this. Oy — I’ll continue praying for us both.

  • Dear Sandee,
    I want you to do something. I want you to take some time decorating a sign that announces to the universe OPEN TO RECEIVE. Put it somewhere you will see it often. Then….start dreaming. Making plans for what you want to draw forth to you. I’m a fan of Vision Boards…but with your talent, the written word may just be what the Universe ordered.Journal…and KNOW you can draw into your existence anything you want. Because you are powerful!!!!
    I don’t know much, but I can always spot people in life that are experts at manifesting that which they want. You are a powerful manifestor.
    Go Manifest!
    Love, Lis

    • Oh wooowww Lis! I’d say you manifest some pretty good power yourself. After reading this I was transfixed. I thought, Lis can be my guru! I believed every word you put down. I appreciate every idea and thought. I’m going to manifest! Thank you lovely lady!

  • “I need to find a new job. I don’t have medical insurance anymore. I want to sell more books. I ain’t getting any younger and I never found a soul mate.” ~I am in a similar boat and the stress it can bring can wreak havoc for sure. I have to remember to take it one day at a time, one step at a time and to not panic. It’s usually hard work to do all that too. Thinking of you!

  • Judging ourselves can be a killer. It’s good to pinpoint what is not effective. Being feisty seems to have kept you alive and must have served you in many ways. Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.

    I hope you keep figuring yourself out. Our culture and country are in a tough place right now. A lot of people are suffering. We pay all of our own health insurance because my husband is self-employed. I am very lucky right now. I do not have to work. But as self-employed members of the middle class, we get squeezed. This has been going on since Reagan. It’s not so simple as wishing for horses if you ask me, though I respect and appreciate positive thoughts. “You can pray for potatoes, but you better bring a hoe”–Mose Yoder, Amish Ohio farmer, deceased.

    Whatever you do, don’t beat yourself up if possible. Changing habits is the hardest thing you’ll ever do because it’s an entire process–recognizing is the first stage, but there’s always more work. At least that is what I’ve found in my life. It is fucking hard to be human.

    Lately, I’ve found a lot of folks around me asking me to be less angry, more positive. But people point fingers sometimes when they can’t own their own anger. Being angry is part of being human. I do know it’s important for me to look at, but sometimes it informs the deepest and strongest parts of me and I don’t want to let those go. I need my anger as a teacher. Don’t just settle for being nice for nice’s sake. But I think you won’t.

    Hang in there. I hope your job-searching will yield a quick and satisfying result.

    Ciao, Sandee!

    • Aw thank you Katherine — I appreciate the thoughtful comment. Your comment will give me food for thought. I like what you say about anger being the teacher. That’s the way I see it. And you remind me that being nice for nice’s sake is useless. Even though it’s not the same thing, it makes me think of those creepy people who walk around smiling all the time — God I hate those people!

  • Nobody’s perfect. I sometimes lie to myself that I am, but never has it been true. However, the enlightened soul is forever improving itself, and it speaks a great deal about you that you’re willing to consider the criticism, despite your anger. There have been a few times when good friends or family members have brought to my attention some less attractive elements of my character. Usually (perhaps not always) they’re right. I am a better person for it (which is not to say that I’m completely free of those negative characteristics, but am aware of them and to a large but by no means complete degree, in control of them).

    By the same token, there are jerks and haters out there who want to bring you down, or who want to paste their own issues onto you. These people need to be ignored. If you don’t, their opinion can resonate as loudly in you as those I mentioned in the previous paragraph but without ANY of the benefit. Discerning between them isn’t hard when you ask yourself the simple question “Does this person have MY interests at heart in making this comment?”

    As you mention that the “beast” was your friend and mentor, I suspect I know the answer to that question.

    I’m not sure I’d mind being called a beast. Not in every circumstance anyway.

  • Yeah, nobody’s perfect like you say. It’s one of those things that helps me to stay humble and look at my part. It’s really a good quality you have where you actually consider the criticisms coming from friends and relatives. As long as you have a trusting relationship with them and there is love, you can definitely grow from that kind of an exchange.

  • Nobody think they’re controlling or bitching. Everybody think of themselves as good people. We all have been controlling and/or bitching at one point or another. And sometimes, we even have the right to be controlling and bitching. I agree that we all should strive to be the best we can be but we also need to cut ourselves some slack because we’re human and it’s part of the human condition to not be perfect. There!

    • I’ll take that and run! Love it because it’s true. I do always however after incidents like this search myself to see how it might have played out a little better. It works sometimes where next time I can just walk away or say something that would work to heal the situation. But I agree about the not beating up on myself because of being human. Only thing with me is that there had been a few of these incidents sort of happening close together where I knew it was because I needed to take care of my anger. Thanks SSG for the feedback — much appreciated!

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