If you’re me, your shape changes in middle-age. Other things happen but I’ve been sworn to secrecy by the Coven of Middle-aged Women with Fancy Handbags. I’m mad. I work out, jog, but I am not shaped the way I used to be shaped, a subtle shifting of body mass. I was warned by the Coven. I didn’t think it would happen to me though. I eat quinoa.
And also, not to brag — I just did 50 sit ups but my stomach still protrudes. Why? Fucking fibroids. Yeah I said it. It happens more so at a certain time of the month. Why now, a few days before my author reading? I’m tired of this. I could have my uterus surgically removed. I just don’t want to be knocked out and cut so that I can have my guts ripped out.
I was waiting for that device in Star Trek to come out. Captain Kirk, Bones and Spock time-traveled. They went back in time and witnessed a 20th century surgery. Bones said it was barbaric. Their time era is the future where Bones just waves this wand thing over the part that needs surgery and – bam! I could be uterus-free in seconds with not a one scratch on me. I think it’ll be a while before this is invented, so I’ll just wait for menopause. That’s when my estrogen level is supposed to decrease, which ideally would mean that these things will shrink. But we’ll see with the luck I have.
All’s not awful though. I’ve always had kind of a big ass even when I was a skeleton. But I don’t look good bone thin anymore and that’s a good thing – like it was ever a good thing. Now I don’t need to be always worried about staying a certain weight. I’m more relaxed. The effort would be wasted anyway. When you’re this age two carrots, plus 3 walnuts, plus one celery stick does not equal ninety-eight pounds soaking wet. It equals what your metabolism tells you it will equal. Listen youngsters – eat, smoke and be reckless, because, you won’t be able to later on. I’m not killing myself to be skinny anymore, so I don’t have to smoke cigarettes and eat grass. Since my shape has changed I look like a bobble head if I’m too thin. And I realized recently that the big ass balances off my big head nicely.
*A post of vanity, by Sandee Harris
1800ukillme 
This is the story of my (current) life! Although if it was still possible, I would revert to smoking and eating grass.
It is funny how we never imagine even the slightest possibility of this happening to us. As if!
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Leave all self-deprecation to me, I’m SO good at it!
Bisous,
Dawn
Yup, in regard to never imagining this happening to us — I was there, young, oblivious, immune to any fear about aging, etc. — hahaha! If only I could’ve seen now! — Ahahahaa!
Thanks. I won’t be too hard on myself now. Now that I’m in my forties I feel a definite change in my metabolism. It’s kind of a bummer, but what can you do, right? I keep doing those sit-ups and hope for the best. Is it Sandee? – Amy
Hi Amy — yes it is Sandee. Thanks for stopping by fellow Halloween enthusiast!
Yes, what can you do, but hope for the best. At least we put forth the effort. I just refuse to do anything extreme to ‘combat’ the effects of age. I feel that I’m okay as long as I’m healthy.
I agree, my fellow Halloween fan! Being healthy and feeling good is the most important thing. Then, you’re probably feeling in a happy mental state, too.
Sandee.. your ass balances your head.. haaa boy this made me my nod my head and say yes(plus chuckle quite loudly) I liked your advice to the youngsters. Remember when you could stuff your face 24/7 and not gain a damn ounce? Ahhh the sweet sweet memories. ahh feck it, I am going to eat a donut with my coffee. Cheers!
(ps.. what is the deal with the fibroids? they really suck don’t they?)
Fibroids do suck! Whenever I talk about them, I find they’re really common. I’ve been referring to them as barnacles lately.
You know dammit I might eat a donut today too — cheers right back at you!
barnacles.. I like that. maybe we should all name our barnacles together
By all rights I should weigh a ton from all the nonsense I ate through the years. Like you I’m seeing the changes and not digging them too much.. Ugh, aging is a pain the ass..
At least we can commiserate together — c’mon join the Coven with me 😀
Lol…you and I are alike especially in big ass balancing the big head lol. You write so well, it’s beautiful
Awww Boomie! Thanks so much for saying this — yay!
1. I don’t know what you look like but that does not matter b/c you are beautiful anyways. I can tell by your writtings, wit, and charm.
2. I can’t even do 50 situps but apparently I can run a marathon… so YOU ROCK!
3. All ladies have a butt and have a tummy. That is what makes us so darn fertile looking to thee men. It is a good thing.
4. Beauty changes with age. Embrace the shifting of mass sista!
YAYAYAYAYYAYAAYY!
You are too sweet! And I really do appreciate the kind words. This is true, I forgot about the womanly fertile appeal.
Thanks for the cheers Keeper!
As a member of the Coven, I feel your agony. You’re not alone in feeling betrayed by your bod. I feel like a fish swimming up stream, always against the current. No matter what I do, I get no where. It sucks. I have fibroids, too, and I’m trying to ride it out until I hit official menopause. Go ahead fibroids, “Make my day.”
The shifting mass (haha!) is making me look like Sponge Bob Square pants. What happen to my cute little waist?
If we increase the numbers in the Coven, we can redefine the standard of beauty I say. Really, it’s good to have someone to commiserate about these issues — fibroids being one of them. The more I talk about it I find other women who have them and it diminishes the ‘drama’ of having them — it becomes more of a common malady.
I agree. It sounds like we have the same game plan. I do get really painful periods and I know those damn fibroids are to blame. I’m actually looking forward to being done with everything. I’ve considered taking my uterus out, too. It just seems so extreme and I feel like the fibroids will shrink eventually anyway. If I opted for it, it would just be a weight loss measure! haha! Nothing like a good surgery to jump start a diet! LOL! Seriously, the clock is ticking on those F-roids. We’re in this together. 🙂
They say the average age of menopause is 52 — so it’s around the corner. That’s funny about the weight aspect of these things. I wonder how much weight we’d lose by getting rid of them. I think of surgery as the last resort. Hold on if you can Grippy just a couple more years… There are some nonsurgical ways of dealing with this but unfortunately I’m not eligible for any of them. I’m guessing you’ve probably looked into those options — if not — it might be worth the research. I’m lucky in that I’m asymptomatic, for now, because most of mine are on the outside of my uterus. ‘F-roids’ — hahaha! Love it! I’d like to use this word, giving you credit for dubbing of course…
Head/ass balance is most important. 🙂
Your posts almost always make me snort. How do you do that?
This is quite a feat given the subject of today’s post — I almost wanted to include a warning for men who might be squeamish on these things. Thanks for listening Mike! I appreciate it.
Are you kidding me? You have a well earned place on my very, very short “must read” blog list.
Awww — now my head’s bigger 😀 Thank you so much!
Leave it to you, Sandee to have the delicious honesty to write this. It doesn’t sound like a middle-aged rant but an honest account of what happens as we age. The bloom of youth is hard to say good-bye to and I keep telling myself that there are so many great things with aging. Some days I can pull it off and other days I’m wondering what happened to my waistline? I guess we just have to love and embrace it because I remember thinking when I was so young, I still wasn’t happy with the way I looked. I look at those pictures now and think, “why did I do that??” I don’t want to spend another day lamenting about it…but i still do. I know ten years from now, I’m going to think how great I looked now. Everything’s relative, right? So, let’s embrace it — and like you, I have big head which balances the bottom half pretty good. Symmetry, right? ;). GREAT POST.
Yay! Thanks Brigitte — we SHOULD embrace it! Like you say some days I can pull it off better than others. I believe this will probably happen too, that I’ll think how great I looked at 50 when I’m 60 — tee hee! What helps is that I work with the public so I see beautiful older women, and men, all the time. They’re healthy, good looking, active and great to talk to. I wouldn’t so much mind taking this path. I hope you’re having a good day…
There’s nothing vain about being comfortable with your body. Metabolism sort of rules our lives as we get older. And it’s cranky.
Yeah I kinda don’t think it’s necessarily vain either. Sometimes I feel like it though when I’ve written a whole post about my body that I expect people to read. But then I realize maybe people would appreciate being able to identify with being human.
We middle-aged women need a little meat on our bones. Being too skinny shows up in the face, and makes the woman look hallow. But dang it sucks to lose muscle mass each year. I keep working out and fighting it, and so far those muscles are holding on, but who knows what I’ve lost. Then again, I tweeted something recently about an octogenarian gymnast who can still fly around like the young gals. She’s pretty incredible. 🙂
By the way, I mailed out your copy of The Seneca Scourge today. 🙂
My book! My book! I’m looking forward to it!
Really I feel the same way nowadays most of the time about the meat on my bones. I was really warped before about the whole thing. I’m glad I did write about it because it’s nice to have people comment and identify. It really helps.
OH YEAH, but don’t be too excited about menopause. It shrinks the fibroids but reeks havoc on everything else. These days, I’m grateful that I can walk and talk, and still remain above ground;)
Hahahahaaa!!!!!!!!!
Things to look forward to….nah, just kidding. I already experience that all the time and it started at 25. I’m sure your big ass is a sheer delight.
I gotta tell you, at least I did really appreciate and enjoy my youth. I knew exactly what I had. All I can ask for now is to be a healthy 50 year old even with the F-roids.
Thanks for the kind words about my ass — I sure hope it is a delight.
Hey, metabolism changes with age, but in theory, with age comes wisdom (to quote the cliche). I’ll take a big ass over a pea brain any day.
Hey LA! Another vote for the ass! I’m having a good day — yeah!
Mother Nature is one nasty bitch. I’ve never had an easy time maintaining a certain weight, even when I was a teenager. So I didn’t have a free pass even then, but now it just sucks. Sorry about the fibroids, though, I know they suck too. But you look fiiiiiine to me so work it!
It’s too true — Mother Nature isn’t this lovely woman with a wreath of flowers on her head, she’s wearing horns!
Oh thank you Mme. Weebles — I’ll try to work it best I can — even if no one’s paying attention — yuk yuk yuk!
I’m off to buy some cigarettes – thanks!
Don’t forget the grass 😀
Of course!
they dont cut you open to remove your uterus anymore. they can do it laproscopically.
This is one of the ways they do it. Unfortunately I’m not a candidate for this type of procedure 😦
There are also other nonsurgical procedures I’m not a candidate for because of the positioning of the fibroids 😦
I’ve seen many doctors, even the one who was featured in New York Magazine’s Best of the Best — btw didn’t like him at all — wouldn’t let him touch me with a ten foot pole — so I’ve researched this thing all around…
Ah well — hopefully menopause does it for me.
It’s too bad you’re not out here. I’d send you to my doc. She was fabulous; she even sent me flowers.
My shape has certainly changed… There’s more of it!
I guess we need to adopt the school of thought where that’s a good thing 😀