Published October 11, 2012 by Sandee

I think of William Golding’s Lord of the Flies and the roles we play in tribes.  I thought I’d be Simon in the tribe.  Simon goes off alone.  He’s prophetic and dreamy.  I think Simon goes into a cave and when he comes out, the bad tribe thinks he’s a beast, and spears him to death.  That’s me, I say.  I’m misread, on the periphery, and subjected to being lambasted by people who are afraid of where I’m coming from.

But I looked honestly, and this is not easy, but I believe I would’ve been in the bad tribe.

I acted out as a child.  While there was love and encouragement, we were raised by adolescents.  My mom was 18 and my dad 22 when I was born.  I also became very sick which devastated my school life.  My mom taught me to read when I was three and I was in special progress classes but couldn’t concentrate after the illness.  My parents might have done more if they knew better.  They gave me a wonderful childhood however.

But I became rebellious, destructive and mean.  I wanted to be bad, to test limits.  I remember rounding up kids to leave school to go to Pathmark to steal candy.  Our families had money to give us, but once I got kids together to beg for money in the street.  Another time I lied about the teacher collecting money for something and stole from kids in my class.  Tyrone found out, popped out from behind a car, punched me in the head and followed me home to tell my mother.  This was all at around the age of eight, and there were other things I did.  I also did mean things to kids that I’m embarrassed about.  If I smoked cigarettes I would have been a bonafide street urchin.

After surgery for my illness when I was 12, I befriended the main stream kids.  They put me in check and I became docile and unsure of myself — they were the majority.  I couldn’t be the wild little pirate anymore.  I knew instinctively that being with these girls was a cocoon of protection, even though I was on the periphery.  I later became an alcoholic then recovered which helped me to grow as a person.

As an adult I’ve been sited on my job review for integrity.  One manager said she thought that I was a class act.  My mom calls me Saint Sandee.  While my core personality from childhood exists — my curiosity about death and mystery of life and my blunt approach – those negative traits were mutable and transient, though that mischievous acting out may be manifested in my extreme views and sometimes severe criticism.

I just hope to continue to nurture that part of me that people gravitate to.  I want to be tactful, sympathetic, loving, generous and forgiving.  I guess now, this is why I relate to being Simon.

37 comments on “Simon

  • I LOVE this post!!! I love all pieces of you, the good and the “bad”. Hey, I stole the money from my UNICEF tricker treating box. We would’ve been friends! I think your best qualities are your honesty, integrity, ceativity (I don’t think you can be creative without integrity, curiosity, sensitivity, and openness.) I love your vulnerability mixed with your tough crazy girl. You crack me up. I find the whole Sandee package very pleasing. Can you tell I like you? Haha!

  • Oh my God — this had me in stitches — you stole from the UNICEF trick or treating box — hahahaha!

    You are too sweet! I was kind of afraid of being seen as a little shit — that people would say after reading — ‘oh so THAT’s who you are’! Thanks for the laugh. I’m so glad I talked about this. I don’t feel as icky about it now.

    Now, I can sleep better…

    Have a good night Grippy…

  • If someone doesn’t feel comfortable around authentic Sandee then that’s a big red flag. That’s not your issue, it’s their self esteem issue. Just sayin’.

  • I think you are a lovable and I love the contrast which is you Sandee. I am also a person that has morphed and changed through my life yet I still hold a bit of all the phases I have went through as I grew. You are an excellent writer as well 😉

  • Sandee, we all have parts of us we’re don’t like to remember or think about. I always read you and your writing and see the soul and goodness of you. I love your honesty. That and your benevolent spirit are why so many think you’re a great person. I know I do. Little Sandee experienced the things she needed to in order to become this Sandee. xxoo

    • It’s funny because I’ve heard people say that they don’t like when people say they’re nice. They think they’re perceived as soft or pushovers. I like when people say I’m nice and kind and benevolent. At some point I began to admire people who were unafraid to be nice people. It takes a certain strength in the light of all that human frailty coming from people, to be a kind person, I think. I don’t want anyone to think that my mother calling me a saint has gone to my head either. Oh boy I do have my days. Thank you Brigitte for saying those nice things, as always, I will never stop appreciating the support.

  • You’re awesome and part of me wishes kid you had dance-offs and such. I identify a lot with your being accepted with the cool kids and how weird it felt to be unsure of yourself.

    The things we were make who we are, even if they are strange memories. I say “thank you” to old versions of me, and grow. I love who you’ve become!

  • That’s an interesting perspective on yourself, Sandee. I like your outrageous opinions. I think the anger that you express is so common, and I love that you’ve found a way to express it creatively. Maybe you would’ve been part of the bad tribe. Maybe not. Maybe you would’ve found a whole new tribe where the people who felt like misfits would’ve belonged to each other. Isn’t that what we’re all doing out here in the blogosphere?

  • What can I say that hasn’t already been said, Sandee? You are absolutely a loving and compassionate person, that comes through loud and clear. So what if you’re “mischievous”–it’s all part of you. And you’re an extremely self-aware person, which is no small feat. There are so many people out there who have absolutely no idea what they’re all about. So I think you deserve massive amounts of cake and good lovin’.

    • Hmmm — ‘self-aware’ — I like that. And I’m glad I come across as loving and compassionate. It’s marvelous when what you’re hoping to project is received. When I worked at this place and my assignment was up the manager said she’d miss my smile and positive attitude and that I was a class act (I mention it above). That was one of those moments when I realized that I was actually projecting what I had hoped. Hey, what more could a girl/crone ask for!

  • From one Simon to another, I love this post.

    I have a lot of darkness in my past and I always have to make a conscious decision to choose the light; it’s hard somedays to be nice, but I choose to be nice anyway.

    Kinda made me think of this: (enjoy and have a wonderful weekend Sandee!)

    The Paradoxical Commandments
    by Dr. Kent M. Keith

    People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
    Love them anyway.
    If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
    Do good anyway.
    If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies.
    Succeed anyway.
    The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
    Do good anyway.
    Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
    Be honest and frank anyway.
    The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
    Think big anyway.
    People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
    Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
    What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
    Build anyway.
    People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
    Help people anyway.
    Give the world the best you have and you’ll get kicked in the teeth.
    Give the world the best you have anyway.
    © 1968, 2001 Kent M. Keith

  • Girl, you and I could have started our own little gang. I stole from kids at school, I stole from department stores… I LIED about everything…. I graffiti’d the walls in the girls room… (yes, in elementary school)

    I was an instigator… I got others to do bad things…

    And then, I went from hellion to mouse for a few years… and then right back to hellion when I became a teen…

    And now, while I have my moments of flipping the bird to the world… I am characterized by others as caring, loyal and honest…huh… when the fuck did that happen?

    • Hehehehe! I’m just imagining you like this.

      I always wondered if my parents were older if they’d have given me stronger principals to go by. I think I might have been a little spoiled also.

      I just hope that my little nephews have a stronger backbone when it comes to principals.

      At least we came out of it on the other side.

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