I was with a man who wanted me to have a baby — blegh! I wanted nothing to do with them. Today I referred to a kid as ‘it’. I had good reason — I didn’t know if it was a girl or a boy — so I had to ask the dad, “What is it?”
My sister has two boys, so now I like kids, and feel sympathetic to little parasitical beasts all around. But I’m glad I didn’t breed and still harbor a strong anti-procreational streak — what would planet earth do with my spawn? I’m narcissistic, nihilistic, and a nervous nelly — I’m not a physical specimen and not good at math — AND — I know nothing of building rocket ships. Perhaps though for some reason beyond me, the earth did need my spawn for some large part of the picture that doesn’t necessarily suit me and my ego. I say maybe it ‘did’ because it’s too late now. Having a kid now would be selfish and dangerous because I’m old. I’ll be fifty. Here’s a good reason why I shouldn’t — how I turned my nephew’s carefree day at the playground into the Lord of the Flies.
I want my nephews to be bully-proof alpha males. I want them to be in the good guy tribe from The Lord of the Flies, unafraid to stand up for what’s right, and while using their brains to fight battles, like the finest general, they will have valiant physical prowess — oh yeah — and the older one will be a neurosurgeon and the little one will be an astrophysicist. They will be extremely well-adjusted, have lots of fine friends and will be indebted to Auntie Sandor Sword-Chinned Bitch until the day she dies. That’s why when we went to the park, I chased behind my then 3 year old nephew to make sure no kids tried blocking his way to any one of the slides. I won’t get into specifics. I’ll just say that my sister told me, “No, Sandee, you can’t do that! They’re just kids.”
I watched the kids play as if watching war games. My nephew got into it with an older kid. The kid says during a break in their shoot ’em up game, “You don’t know anything about guns!” And check this out, my nephew screams, “YOU don’t know anything about guns!” He pointed vehemently, his whole body shook. He got the last word — yeah! When we got home I high-fived him about it, out of view from anyone who might judge me as an ass.
It was an exhausting day, trying to figure out where he’d fit in the tribe. Back home I wanted to cry. “Sandee — he was having a good time — calm down,” my sister says. Yeah? Doesn’t she know there’s politics in the playground?! Next time I’ll tell you about the horror of a kid’s birthday party.
Aunt Sandor is back…yaaaaay!!! You are just been a good auntie lol. I feel like every party I went this summer, was a kid’s birthday party. Too much!
I’m a nut — I’m crazy Auntie Sandor, I am!
Oh I’ve heard about the parties you people with kids have to go to every fifteen minutes — hahaha!
Only the dead are bully proof.
But that is the beauty of being an aunt – you can be an ass, and your nieces and nephews are stronger for it.
I know right — I’d rather be an aunt than a mother. Yeah you’re right about bully-proof — it’s always big fish little fish — we all got over it too. I apologize for the cryptic comment…
I wrote something and it was stupid. Just give his enemies a look that could kill, the ones that are jealous, another look that kill and the girl that is getting him drunk all the time, well, a spell! More advice later for when they get older – it involves money for expensive concert tickets of your fave band making a come back 30 years later.
Okay Annie — you’ll be my consultant for sure!
This is what Aunties are for. You played your role perfectly. 🙂
Thanks for backing me up on that! I’m too neurotic to be a mother, but just right as the crazy ‘ol Auntie.
so glad you are back! We momsters need Aunties like you — and I mean that sincerely.
I suppose we Aunties can get away with things moms can’t get away with 😉
Auntie Sandee, you’re back! I missed you so much!
Your nephew is awesome. “YOU don’t know anything about guns!” Even I’m a little scared! You did good 🙂
Miss Four Eyes! Thanks so much — I’m glad to be back. Just got a vision of Princess — hope she’s doing well.
Thanks for telling me I did good — I think secretly, my sister thinks I did good too — I can do the things she can’t do as a responsible parent — tee hee hee!
THAT is what Aunties are for! You did good, I must say.
I also have no interest in procreating…. Auntie THAM suits me just fine 🙂
Welcome back, missed ya 🙂
Aw thanks for saying that THAM — I appreciate it!
I’m also glad to hear that we share the same feeling about breeding. Also, just to let people know — even though we don’t care to have children, it doesn’t mean we lack the nurturing ‘gene’. Unfortunately I think I use up all my mothery feelings on men…
Enjoy the rest of the weekend! Talk to you later!
Yeah – I have a habit of picking the “fixer-uppers” myself.
I feel you. Kids! And boy do I hate when a man gets that you-would-be-a-good-mom twinkle in his eye.
Makes you wonder — how the hell’d they get the idea I’d be a good mom? 🙂 I suppose it’s a compliment when someone wants us to have a kid but it does put your back up against the wall. I tell you, I think there are already too many beasts roaming the planet. I simply didn’t want to create another lost soul.
Nice to see you back SCB. One question….do the boys like cake?
Yay! Thanks Stacie! Good to be back.
If the boys didn’t like cake I would find it hard to understand them…
hahahaha! This cracks me up!! I’m gonna tell my Lily to come over here and read this. She’ll love it. She’ll be able to relate and she even has a birthday party story, like you. I always tell her not to get down on the children’s level, but she can’t help herself. LOL!
Whenever I tell her that I’d eventually like some grandchildren she looks at me like I’m a Coo-coo bird. Lord of the Flies! I lol’d at this. Good one.
Lily is a girl after my own heart — getting down on the children’s level — this made me laugh because I so understand it!
Though my parents never said it in so many words, I know they wanted me to have children. Unfortunately my dad died before getting to see my sister’s kids — he would’ve loved them to pieces.
I guess people want children so they can be immortal. I guess that’s where my nihilistic streak comes in.
Loved this! Truth be told, I behave like this as a mother sometimes. The playground is cutthroat. You’re a good auntie!
I’m glad you could appreciate this Fish. The playground is indeed cutthroat — and it scares me. Thanks for your support!
Yeah, Auntie, you can and should do the things I as the Mother can’t! I told T to hit kids back if they hit him first…..he went and told his teachers at school and the teacher was like “T said that you said to hit kids!” Oh the embarrassment. I had to defend myself as there is a strict no hitting policy at school.
Well, if Auntie Sandor tells T it’s okay, then it’s a different story. 😀
First of all I think there’s nothing wrong about grasping one’s inner non-breeder. I never wanted kids for many reasons including not passing on my DNA; the world already has plenty of snarkologists in glasses. Aunt-hood has pleased me immensely. There’s a kid in my life and my sister and bro-in-law do all the heavy lifting. When my niece was young, I was her hero. Now that she’s in college, her opinion has been revised and I am more of a cautionary tale, but it’s still a solid bond. Aunt-hood can be very fulfilling so embrace it.
“The world already has plenty of snarkologists in glasses” — hahaha! — love it! That’s it — we get the love — and the parents get to do all the hard stuff. ~sigh~ For sure I’m a ‘cautionary tale’…
Yaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy, she’s BACK!!! And you’re the best Auntie. No wonder your nephews love you to pieces. I like your choice of careers for them. Neurosurgery and astrophysics are worthy endeavors.
I’m definitely built to be an aunt instead of a mom. Aunts are the ones who can tell you about all the cool stuff that your mom won’t, they can offer additional advice on relationships and why he/she is an idiot and isn’t worth your time, all that good stuff. You can offer different perspective–it’s not objective, but it’s different from the kind that moms have.
And most importantly, you can spend the day with them getting them all hopped up on sugar, and then send them home!
Thanks Mme. W! I love the warm welcome back. Yeah, I think they do love me to pieces. Once when my nephew and I were playing, he just comes out of the blue and says, “I love you Sandee.” My heart melted.
It is tricky — that delicate balance between letting ’em resolve their own differences and swooping in to keep ’em safe. Sounds like your nephews are holding their own, though.
I do think they can hold their own. I know another reason I didn’t want kids is because I’m too sensitive and I worry too much… Mike, I don’t know how y’all do it!
Worry is part of the job. A big part, I’m afraid.
Sandee — I’m like you. No children myself but I am the cool aunt. So glad to see you back and read your writing again.
Thanks Brigitte! I’m glad you didn’t forget about me 🙂
I’ve taken a week-long break myself. Totally understand, girlfriend.
It’s good to regenerate and get a perspective on blogging from a bit of a distance.
Just teach them that they are valuable beyond measure, and that anyone who tries to run them down is worth less than nothing. Because that’s the truth.
Hey Mary! This is certainly a great approach. I’m sure between my sister and her husband that they have given them a great feeling of self-worth. Sometimes I wonder if I’d be like Kathleen Turner’s character in John Water’s Serial Mom, if I had kids 🙂
SWB, you’re some kind of crazy! 🙂 I know just how you feel.
Thanks George! That I am — some kinda crazy! That should be my tagline, Auntie Sandee, crazy since the 1960s… 😀
Me too… How old were you in the Sixties?
Oh how I’ve missed you!
Thanks so much PC! Good to see you. It’s nice somebody missed me…
Lol this is awesome. What a great aunt you are! Yeah, even when I was younger, during recess I would go around on the playground asking kids if they were a boy or a girl, just to make them upset! I was evil. But I think you have to get your mean streak out when you’re young and know how to think of good come-backs. They come in VERY handy!
Oh Lily this had me laughing!
I wished you a happy birthday on your mom’s blog (your mom is the best!) — but happy belated birthday! Hope you enjoyed your day.
And silly me, I still do think of good come-backs — just in case, you know? 😉
Just in case! Thanks Sandee! You’re too kind! And yeah, I guess my mom is pretty cool… 😉
I love your honestly. You’re a comedian. Haha!
I’m glad you get the humor — and the truth in what I’m trying to say! I appreciate it… Thanks Shauna!
I’m sure your spawn, had you had any, would turned out to be just fine. But I hear ya
That’s what my sister says — that if I had a kid I’d know what to do and it wouldn’t be as bad as I imagine.
yep. I’m the walking example of that. Your sister is very wise.
But this sister with the boys. She’s not the same sister with the vintage blog, is she?
Yeah, she’s the one with the blog. Thanks for checking it out by the way!
you’re kidding me? A blog about vintage fashion? Of course I HAD to check it out!