Lord of the Flies

Published October 6, 2012 by Sandee

I was with a man who wanted me to have a baby — blegh!  I wanted nothing to do with them.  Today I referred to a kid as ‘it’.  I had good reason — I didn’t know if it was a girl or a boy — so I had to ask the dad, “What is it?”

My sister has two boys, so now I like kids, and feel sympathetic to little parasitical beasts all around.  But I’m glad I didn’t breed and still harbor a strong anti-procreational streak — what would planet earth do with my spawn?  I’m narcissistic, nihilistic, and a nervous nelly — I’m not a physical specimen and not good at math — AND — I know nothing of  building rocket ships.  Perhaps though for some reason beyond me, the earth did need my spawn for some large part of the picture that doesn’t necessarily suit me and my ego.  I say maybe it ‘did’ because it’s too late  now.  Having a kid now would be selfish and dangerous because I’m old.  I’ll be fifty.   Here’s a good reason why I shouldn’t — how I turned my nephew’s carefree day at the playground into the Lord of the Flies.

I want my nephews to be bully-proof alpha males.  I want them to be in the good guy tribe from The Lord of the Flies, unafraid to stand up for what’s right, and while using their brains to fight battles, like the finest general, they will have valiant physical prowess — oh yeah — and the older one will be a neurosurgeon and the little one will be an astrophysicist.  They will be extremely well-adjusted, have lots of fine friends and will be indebted to Auntie Sandor Sword-Chinned Bitch until the day she dies.  That’s why when we went to the park, I chased behind my then 3 year old nephew to make sure no kids tried blocking his way to any one of the slides.  I won’t get into specifics.  I’ll just say that my sister told me, “No, Sandee, you can’t do that!  They’re just kids.”

I watched the kids play as if watching war games.  My nephew got into it with an older kid.  The kid says during a break in their shoot ’em up game, “You don’t know anything about guns!”  And check this out, my nephew screams, “YOU don’t know anything about guns!”  He pointed vehemently, his whole body shook.  He got the last word — yeah!  When we got home I high-fived him about it, out of view from anyone who might judge me as an ass.

It was an exhausting day, trying to figure out where he’d fit in the tribe.  Back home I wanted to cry.  “Sandee — he was having a good time — calm down,” my sister says.  Yeah?  Doesn’t she know there’s politics in the playground?!  Next time I’ll tell you about the horror of a kid’s birthday party.

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53 comments on “Lord of the Flies

  • I wrote something and it was stupid. Just give his enemies a look that could kill, the ones that are jealous, another look that kill and the girl that is getting him drunk all the time, well, a spell! More advice later for when they get older – it involves money for expensive concert tickets of your fave band making a come back 30 years later.

    • Miss Four Eyes! Thanks so much — I’m glad to be back. Just got a vision of Princess — hope she’s doing well.

      Thanks for telling me I did good — I think secretly, my sister thinks I did good too — I can do the things she can’t do as a responsible parent — tee hee hee!

  • THAT is what Aunties are for! You did good, I must say.
    I also have no interest in procreating…. Auntie THAM suits me just fine 🙂

    Welcome back, missed ya 🙂

    • Aw thanks for saying that THAM — I appreciate it!

      I’m also glad to hear that we share the same feeling about breeding. Also, just to let people know — even though we don’t care to have children, it doesn’t mean we lack the nurturing ‘gene’. Unfortunately I think I use up all my mothery feelings on men…

      Enjoy the rest of the weekend! Talk to you later!

    • Makes you wonder — how the hell’d they get the idea I’d be a good mom? 🙂 I suppose it’s a compliment when someone wants us to have a kid but it does put your back up against the wall. I tell you, I think there are already too many beasts roaming the planet. I simply didn’t want to create another lost soul.

  • hahahaha! This cracks me up!! I’m gonna tell my Lily to come over here and read this. She’ll love it. She’ll be able to relate and she even has a birthday party story, like you. I always tell her not to get down on the children’s level, but she can’t help herself. LOL!
    Whenever I tell her that I’d eventually like some grandchildren she looks at me like I’m a Coo-coo bird. Lord of the Flies! I lol’d at this. Good one.

    • Lily is a girl after my own heart — getting down on the children’s level — this made me laugh because I so understand it!

      Though my parents never said it in so many words, I know they wanted me to have children. Unfortunately my dad died before getting to see my sister’s kids — he would’ve loved them to pieces.

      I guess people want children so they can be immortal. I guess that’s where my nihilistic streak comes in.

  • Yeah, Auntie, you can and should do the things I as the Mother can’t! I told T to hit kids back if they hit him first…..he went and told his teachers at school and the teacher was like “T said that you said to hit kids!” Oh the embarrassment. I had to defend myself as there is a strict no hitting policy at school.

  • First of all I think there’s nothing wrong about grasping one’s inner non-breeder. I never wanted kids for many reasons including not passing on my DNA; the world already has plenty of snarkologists in glasses. Aunt-hood has pleased me immensely. There’s a kid in my life and my sister and bro-in-law do all the heavy lifting. When my niece was young, I was her hero. Now that she’s in college, her opinion has been revised and I am more of a cautionary tale, but it’s still a solid bond. Aunt-hood can be very fulfilling so embrace it.

  • Yaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy, she’s BACK!!! And you’re the best Auntie. No wonder your nephews love you to pieces. I like your choice of careers for them. Neurosurgery and astrophysics are worthy endeavors.

    I’m definitely built to be an aunt instead of a mom. Aunts are the ones who can tell you about all the cool stuff that your mom won’t, they can offer additional advice on relationships and why he/she is an idiot and isn’t worth your time, all that good stuff. You can offer different perspective–it’s not objective, but it’s different from the kind that moms have.

    And most importantly, you can spend the day with them getting them all hopped up on sugar, and then send them home!

    • Hey Mary! This is certainly a great approach. I’m sure between my sister and her husband that they have given them a great feeling of self-worth. Sometimes I wonder if I’d be like Kathleen Turner’s character in John Water’s Serial Mom, if I had kids 🙂

  • Lol this is awesome. What a great aunt you are! Yeah, even when I was younger, during recess I would go around on the playground asking kids if they were a boy or a girl, just to make them upset! I was evil. But I think you have to get your mean streak out when you’re young and know how to think of good come-backs. They come in VERY handy!

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