Can’t I have anything!?

Published September 9, 2012 by Sandee

When I was 12, a friend said I’d get titties in the springtime.  I did.  Sort of.  I got A’s.  Wasn’t bad actually.  Had returning customers.  (No. I wasn’t a prostitute.  Maybe I should have been.  You know, charged money?)  But if my breasts were gonna be small I’d have a tight body I reasoned.  I exercised stringently and smoked cigarettes — crack diets didn’t come out ‘til later. The payoff was being skinny, which wasn’t always good enough.

I told my dad I was getting implants.  He said I needed to go explore, be around different types of people – I like to think he meant I needed to be around classy, arty people who were too deep, too brilliant to focus on titties — haha yeah, that’s what he meant — and my friend said smaller breasts are aristocratic; and my other friend said, Yeah, yeah, I like your titties like that – ah shhhhit yeah!  And as I’ve said before, if you have smaller ones all the energy is focused, you know, down there.

So at times I wasn’t bothered, though I wondered what it would be like to have big ones.  Summer would come and I saw how big women’s breasts were – wow – this is where mine went – these bitches got my portion!  I’d go in and out of feeling inadequate.  I regretted not being able to ‘have sex with my breasts’ or not being able to slap somebody silly with my titties.  Then it would be okay again because I was a waifish nymph, or a nymphish waif, or a nymph-waif-pirate drunk.

Now that I’ll be 50, I’m more relaxed.  I spent years going in and out of being skinny and nearly sick because of it, and obsessively weighing myself, because I valued myself that way.  It all came from being flat-chested.  I still exercise regularly, but it started out as an obsession having more to do with vanity than fitness.  I gained weight here and there, freaked out, and went on a holistic diet.  I thought of becoming a vegan not for health reasons, but because I thought it would keep me skinny.

Now I have fibroids that cause a slight protrusion in my abdomen.  Menopause, which is soon, may shrink them.  I don’t want surgery because I’m asymptomatic. Along with running and working out regularly, I do fifty sit-ups at least three times a week.  My stomach was flat until a couple of years ago.  Can’t I have anything?  I feel like all my effort is futile at times, just as I do with my other efforts that yield minimal results. Are my biorhythms off?  Did I kill somebody in a past life?

No, I just need to find my worth in areas that don’t require external approval.  Who I am is not any certification, degree, award, Pulitzer Prize, or drooling admiration. Unfortunately I didn’t get that until now.

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80 comments on “Can’t I have anything!?

  • Wow…we really do have so much in common. Don’t you think it’s crazy how fast life careens on by? I always figured I would have stumbled upon some sort of self-worth that had nothing to do with my body (I’m a half-empy/half-full B, this depends on the day, my hormones…yuno?)
    …but I’m 44 and still have not even seen it (self-worth made from non-vanitous content) shimmering in the distance. Like you can see Vegas at night from 200 miles away.

    It’s Monday. I think I’ll start a new diet. Or sew my lips together. With green yarn.

    Bisous,
    Dawn

    • I love the way you phrase things — and truthfully. About life ‘careening’ by as you say, I was just thinking maybe, just maybe I have 30 more years. So I thought about 30 years back when I was 20 to get a guage on that — and it does seem like a really really long time ago but I’ll bet, if I get it, the 30 years going forward goes pretty damned fast!

  • Funny, just minutes before I read this I was talking about getting my boobs lifted and enlarged. It’s something I think about but then I always come back to that rational part of myself that knows it doesn’t and shouldn’t matter what my boobs look like. I’m great, saggy or not!

    • We must be on the same cosmic strand! I guess a lot of us vacillate between yes and no, and the older you get you say NO. I think we’re wrong when we think we need to do these things sometimes. People are deeper than you think. I think about people I’ve really been attracted to and conclude that they’re usually people who have confidence in their bodies no matter what they look like and a shitload of character.

    • Thanks Miss Four Eyes! You’re probably enjoying the weight loss I’ll bet, however. I have heard of that happening before, with them shrinking with weight loss, just as I’ve heard of some women who ONLY gain weight there when they do gain — life can be cruel sometimes…life can be cruel…:)

  • Mine never got bigger than a B cup. I spent most of my teenage years feeling inadequate with serious hang-ups (mostly because my mother was a bitch who told me men only like big tits) and went to all sorts of lengths to make them look bigger. Now I don’t give a crap – I’ve come to like them and stopped caring about what men may or may not think. Plus I don’t have to wear a sports bra.

    • I’m glad you got over that hang up and that you didn’t succumb to the idea of getting fake ones. I’m glad you finally like your size — that’s cool. Look at all those flat-chested models. A lot of actresses don’t have any titties either — just sayin’.

  • This is a ‘coincidence’! I was obsessing about my weight again this morning (I’m 52) and reasoning that I really need to get a life and just accept that age makes things more difficult! I had great big boulder-like titties by the time I was twelve, and let me tell you, all you missed was paedophiles pinching your bum everytime you went out, boys wanting a quickie behind the school sheds because you had ‘big uns’ , and everyone thinking I was sixteen instead of only 12! When I tried to do modelling at the age of 21, I was ‘advised’ to do topless modelling instead…that’s all my titties were deemed good for! That was my modelling career over and done with in one sitting. Thanks for a good laugh and the realization that I’m not the only fifty-something wanting a body of an eighteen year old! Yaz

    • ‘Big boulder-like titties’ — haha! — you also gave me a laugh! I’ve heard stories from all sides on the titty issue and it’s interesting. I hear woman with big ones who love them and who’re not crazy about them as well as hearing from flat-chested women who don’t mind that.

      I’m also glad to hear from people around my age — yeah! Thanks for commenting — it makes me glad I’ve put what I wanted to say out there.

  • You and I could be twins.. I have never had any boobs.. A “B” on a really good day.. Only upswing to that is they don’t sag..Always been skinny and always wanted some J-Lo hips.. I’ve come to the point I am what I am and that’s ok with me.. You are a beauty (I saw your pics on FB)!!

  • I told Madame Weebles once that I had the pleasure of having both kinds of chesticles. Before children I was flatsy patsy, after my babies I had enough to require underwire! Haha! I prefer being flat, it feels so much more free and it does look way better in clothes.
    As for fibroids… I got ’em too. I told the gyno, who suggested I get a hysterectomy, calm down, I’m gonna try and ride it out. Haha! The only reason I would have my uterus removed is that I might lose a few pounds in the process! Haha! Once again the girls of ’62 are on the same wave length! LOL!

    • I’m glad to hear someone who’s had the experience of living on both sides — in the reverse — my mom’s friend was flat-chested then after menopause hers grew. I wondered if that would happen to me but now I don’t care. Looking at the bright side, I don’t have the gravity issues there 🙂

      Oh fibroids! We’re lucky we’re not some of these women who have intense pain, bleeding or other issues where the uterus absolutely must come out.

      The consensus has been in my case, if they don’t bother you, we don’t bother them. My doctor in contrast to the one you had was not anxious to go ripping out my uterus but once she did marvel “they’re soo big,” which bothered me.

      This is great that we can share these special trials we experience at this age!

  • SCB,

    What i wouldn’t give for your titties…i feel like a child in that area. My mom said she only got me a bra so my friends wouldn’t make fun of me…nothing has changed since then. I keep telling people once i have reasonable money i am going a full cup at least… if only my big booty and ginormous thighs would go to the titties a bit.

    You are beautiful…kind…funny…witty…fun loving and remarkably unique.

    • Boomie you make me blush — thank you for saying those nice things. I appreciate it really.

      All the finest runners, athletes are flat-chested. I saw those pictures of you and you are a cutie — you are a ‘waifish nymph’ or a ‘nymphish waif’ but probably unlike me not a waifish-nymph-pirate drunk!

  • Woman, you are so funny. I just adore your stories. Now repeat this to yourself: I AM PERFECT EXACTLY THE WAY I AM IN THIS MOMENT. You are.

    (but, I was like you — member of that small-breasted club). At least they never get in the way, right?

    love the pics too!

    • Brigitte — I’m repeating this as we speak! Thanks for that affirmation — I could sure as heck use it!

      Yeah it’s true about not getting in the way — plus, like I said up there in the comments — you don’t get the gravity issues. Thanks Brigitte!

  • Well if you didn’t have me at cake, you certainly had me at titties. 🙂

    Look at it this way, all those big chested girls that got your boobs? Well you probably got their brains and humor.

    “They” say it’s about wanting what we have, not having what we want, but “they” also said the grass is always greener. So who knows. I don’t trust “them” anyway.

    You hit on a very important theme though about interior self worth tied to exterior image and things. I think it’s only gotten worse through the years; the models get thinner, and we as a whole get fatter and more jaded.

    Sigh. Makes me want cake for breakfast.

    Ooh cake or titties? There’s a question for you. 🙂

  • It’s too bad the world is so externally focused. It’s hard to be satisfied with yourself when every media outlet on the planet puts perfection in your face. You sound like you’re on the right path to feeling good about yourself. Keep going. =)

  • It’s no wonder why I chose ‘fearless’ as my word for you after reading another one of your hilarious yet honest and insightful posts. And for the record, thanks for helping me understand that I’m ‘aristocratic.’ 😉

  • Here’s a quote I heard once about small boobies (and probably other things, too) that you should take to heart: “More than a mouthful is wasted.”

    Fibroids are no fun. I was asymptomatic in most ways, but my fibroids were HUGE (one of them was nearly eight inches!), so they pushed all my other internal organs around. I got heartburn all the time. I’ve been so much happier since my surgery. And between the surgery and not wanting to eat as much for a couple weeks, I lost nearly 10 pounds (okay, I gained it all back, but it took a year to do it).

    • Thanks for sharing your experience. It always helps me to find my place and make decisions about my own situation. If I weren’t so afraid of going under the knife, I might have had it a while ago. My problem is I don’t want to be put to sleep. I’ve been under the knife before when my esophagus closed up when I was 12 and they had to tranquilize me before putting me under because I was so afraid — I’m the same way today.

      They say the average age for menopause is 52 and I’ll be that in two years. Fibroids often shrink with the decrease of estrogen so I’m riding on that for now.

      Mine are huge too. I like to think I’d lose 10 pounds if they removed them — hahaha! Thanks again Mary for chiming in on the fibroid issue. Fibroids are so common, I’m seeing that much.

  • You are beautiful, and no one needs big boobs. With how fantastic a writer you are, and how hilarious some of your posts are, you could have 1 really weird boob on your left back knee and you would still be the most fantastic person ever.

  • Kathy is right, a benefit of being small-breasted is that you don’t sag and when you run it’s not like your breasts are bouncing. As you age your metabolism slows down, but it sounds like you exercise regularly so that should work in your favor. 50 is not an easy milestone, having been there and done that myself, but I think 70 or 75 is worse. You’ll wish you were still 50 by then — or maybe just grateful to still be alive.

    • That’s the best advice anyone could have — it sounds so simple ‘be who you are’ but it’s the hardest thing to do sometimes. I’ll take that advice and run!

      Being a flat-chested gal, having a flat belly was my ‘go to’ source of pride — hahaha!

  • mm this seems like a small boobie brigade post… I can’t say that I “fit” in here but I sure did enjoy reading how awesomely flat chested you all are. I need M Weebles in here… I am buxom & bodacious and these ta tas ain’t going anywhere. I lost 35 pounds this year and guess what? NOT ONE FUCKING INCH OFF OF my chest… so it goes both ways ladies. I am not really complaining.. cause the husband gots him some big hands. haaaa
    So when do we finally decide to like ourselves???
    ps menopause sucks.. and guess what I went through it at 36 and NOW I have started to ovulate again.. so I get to go through it twice.. thats right TWICE (feck me)

  • Can’t reply over there so I’ll continue here. Yes, fibroids are very common. My grandmother had to have an early hysterectomy (in her 30’s) because of them but for her, it was probably a good thing as she already had 5 children.

    By age 25 I had 2 kids, no desire to have any more, had had tube surgery (had to beg for that one too. Finally one of my professors took pity of me and did it) and nasty symptoms which included terrible pain, great blood loss and anaemia. Yet I couldn’t convinced a doctor, not even a few years ago, when scheduled for the last of several surgical procedures to stop the bleeding. Nobody would do it here in Canada until I finally got cervical cancer. Then they finally did it in January this year. I could have been pain free, and anaemia free for almost 20 years. Grrrrrrrrr

    And I see my daughter suffer every month because of it. I wonder how many years she will have to suffer before someone does something about it.

    PS: After writing all this, I realize it might be TMI. So please feel free to delete if you think so. I won’t take it personally (or is it personal? I never know)

    • Not at all TMI. I consider these comment boxes to be forums for discussion, where you can share stories like this. What a trial that all was. I’m glad you got through it okay. I hear stories sometimes where people have these procedures and there are complications. As far as your daughter, using your own experience could be helpful in finding some alternative solutions or even just going to a few different doctors and finding out the best and getting their opinions. I hope everything works out in the end for your daughter.

      • Oh good! Can you imagine how much money I would have saved in feminine products! I mean, I’m talking about 20 years worth of savings here!

        But seriously, now, it’s a bit different for my daughter cause she’s still hasn’t decided if you wants to have kids or not. Some day she in favour, some other days she’s against. That means that for now, she’ll have to deal with the pain and other things until such time she makes up her mind

  • I’m still trying to figure out if we are ever satisfied with ourselves? I didn’t like mines, now I do but I’ve moves on to disliking another body part. 😦 … Sorry about your fibroid.

  • I am catching up as much as I can on your blog. The thing is I LOVE EVERY POST. You can have everything. I say so and I am The Queen. So take it, take it all, Sandee. Everything is yours for the asking.

    Oh, I used to wish wish wish my boobs were smaller because I got teased in high school. It’s all such bullshit–letting others define us. The Buddha of Comparison.

    After I had my babies, in my 30s, my boobs shrunk. Smaller and smaller. Saggier and saggier. ICK. Peri-menopause hasn’t been too kind, but after 6 months of not having my period, all of a sudden, I’ve got my teenage boobs back. I admit I want to keep them. I missed them more than I knew.

    I don’t go in for platitudes and New Age bs about being positive all the time, but this is a fine fine tune:

    • TS, I’ll take your compliment and run! Believe me… Thank you mucho!

      It’s nice when you open up about something and trade stories. Seems most of us have titty stories. We can learn something about it — yeah — ‘Be thankful for what you’ve got.’ Aw man TS, this song takes me backackackackack!! Thanks for passing it along — I listened to it actually on your blog — see — I told people I’d be sneaking in and looking at their blogs though I’m supposed to be taking a break.

      I’m looking forward to hearing about your poetry reading. Thanks for sharing your experience with boobies and this song — talk to you later!

  • Any time. And don’t keep writing back to me unless you really want to. Write your own stuff. You must spend hours on these comment threads. Me? I don’t get so much attention. I can’t even imagine keeping up. You can also close posts to comments which may feel wrong or strange, but should you decide to post, you can still do this so your attention isn’t too divided/distracted. Your readers would still read and love you. Comment sections be damned if they take you away from your heart’s focus (foci?).

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