I walked to an ad on the train platform — a picture of an old woman with smeared lipstick, spiky drunk hair, holding a glass of liquor and a cigarette. She wore flashy clothes too young for her wrinkled personage, and she was dancing. The caption: Crazy Old Aunties Deserve to Die. Why I’m of this ilk. I’ve written about it mmm hmm, in this blog. Crazy ‘ol Auntie Sandee, the middle-aged death metalist, alcoholic. Me and the poor old woman in this poster — people just don’t understand! The ad was an off beat anti-smoking campaign. Generally they were saying people make excuses when it comes to smoking. But I quit smoking — quit the same time I quit drinking. Considering the circumstances it was a wise decision.
A long time ago Crazy ‘ol Auntie Sandee went to the bar and met a boy quite a few years younger. From the Canary Islands. We talked and talked and talked. He leaned over and in his Spanish accent said, “I want to kiss you.” Yeah, yeah, so I made out with him in the bar loosey goosey, whatever. All I remember is waking up alone to discover that I had apparently had safe sex with someone. Twice. I threw the condom wrappers away and went to work, recalling vaguely saying the night before, ‘Oooo, that’s niiice.”
A day later I get a call. “Hello Sandee.” It was the Spaniard! “I have no idea what happened here the night before. Why don’t we meet at the diner so you can tell me what happened and then I can see what you look like too.” I recalled a handsome young devil but I was drunk. I needed to know.
He was a handsome young devil on some kind of a work visa. He would be leaving in a month. He was studying to become a lawyer — I had sex with him. In a blackout. I wasn’t present, wasn’t there, didn’t get to experience this because I was in a blackout. This made no sense. I stopped drinking immediately. Crazy ‘ol Aunties do indeed deserve to die when they deprive themselves of being present to experience having sex with handsome young men with European accents.
Some things one should pay attention to.
This is so true — boo hoo hoo hooo!!
On the plus side: you had safe sex, and you did remember there was someone hot going on! xoM 🙂
That’s right — I must always look at the bright side.
Hmmm, the blackout version of “How Stella Got Her Groove Back.”
Oh yeah! I’ll just call it the drunkards version!
I’m not sure if I’m liking the hot Euro dude, the fact that you’re no longer blacking out, or that you didn’t get an STD. Maybe all of the above.
Stacie, I’m just glad I’m not drinking anymore so that should this happen again, I’ll know it’s happening!
Let that be a lesson to you: always videotape your sex sessions so you can see what you did later. 😉
I saw that Aunties ad, Sandee, and I don’t like it. They have another one about Cat Lovers should die too. I get what they’re going for but it still pisses me off.
I wish I had thought of video-taping! Isn’t that something with these ads — I haven’t seen the cat lovers one — they’re interesting and irreverent.
I like everything about this post.
You make my heart sing!
Your story is inspirational! Nobody should have to blackout during sex. Especially when its with handsome European devils!
What? Was I crazy?! — Oh, yeah, it’s what this post’s about huh… 😦
What? No, not crazy! I don’t think you’re crazy at all! I loved your post!
Thank you Miss Four Eyes — no, no I wasn’t taking offense — I was just saying — how crazy it is to blackout during an episode like this — tee hee! Crazy’s just something I’ve been called for a while now, yes, for quite a while now…
You really do tell the best stories. I’m glad you quit smoking and drinking so you can live a really long time and tell us all you stories.
Too bad about the hot Spaniard, though. That’s the kind of thing you think would shine through a blackout like the sun.
Thanks PM! Oh, I have stories alright! You’d think it would’ve shone through — but of course not!
Damn, you could have missed the ride of your life.. yeah to no more black outs!!
That’s a good one — ‘the ride of your life’! That was a good enough reason to quit drinkin’, me thinks.
Thank goodness for being clean and sober… I identify with much from this post… (but NOT with the HOT Spaniard)….
UGLY, douche-bag…. totally UGH!
Unfortunately, it took a few more years AFTER said incident for me to FINALLY get my ass on the wagon and STAY there….
I’m glad we’re both on the wagon, and that we lived through it all to talk about it. 🙂 Sometimes it does take years before we get the message — same for me as well. I’m lucky the guy was a nice chap and not some maniac who hacked me up for barbeque.
You’re not crazy, just human! It’s the whole stranger thing…that’s the most scary and I’m glad you made it through, Sandee. Your bravery of talking about could help someone and you wouldn’t even know.
You’re right Brigitte — I made humor out of it but the real reason I stopped drinking was because it scared me that I brought a stranger home. If I can’t control what I do when I drink, I don’t need to be drinking. He could have been a rapist, a murderer. It would indeed be nice if people could be helped by knowing that there is life after drinking.
Goddamn. What a thing to forget. I bet you remember a billion times taking out the garbage, though. Sheesh.
Ah, such is life. What you want to see you don’t see, what you see you don’t want to see. A-hee!
a-hee – go for it sandee!
Thanks for the encouragement Kyle! Though I have got to be sober next time. What a damn shame…a damn shame…
sure is sugar
i do believe I adore you.
hilarious as all FUCK you…
Why thank you Evelyn! 🙂
Thanks VW! Squishy hug received!
Sandee, your morbid sense of humor is priceless. Love it!
I’m glad you appreciate it — thanks! It’s good to know what I’m trying to transmit is being received.
YOu know how we were talking about lyrics the other day???
I lOVE the line from Pink’s Glitter in the Air…where she says..Have you ever asked a stranger to come inside?
You….are livin….the PINK!!!
Or you did.
And I do appreciate the way you approached this topic.
Thanks so much! I’ll have to check out Pink’s lyrics now.
Can I call you that even though I don’t know you well?
Pink is the bomb. I love her words.
and I love her. She is completely real.
I just mentioned you in a post. Hope that’s ok
Oh Lisa — please do call me Sandee! I just saw that fabulous post and rated it 10! It’s so sweet and true. I loved the realness of the sentiment and the Anais Nin quote — it made it special. Please, mention me any time! 😉