Crazy Old Aunties Deserve to Die

Published July 27, 2012 by Sandee

I walked to an ad on the train platform — a picture of an old woman with smeared lipstick, spiky drunk hair, holding a glass of liquor and a cigarette.  She wore flashy clothes too young for her wrinkled personage, and she was dancing.  The caption:  Crazy Old Aunties Deserve to Die.  Why I’m of this ilk.  I’ve written about it mmm hmm, in this blog.  Crazy ‘ol Auntie Sandee, the middle-aged death metalist, alcoholic.  Me and the poor old woman in this poster — people just don’t understand!  The ad was an off beat anti-smoking campaign.  Generally they were saying people make excuses when it comes to smoking.  But I quit smoking — quit the same time I quit drinking.  Considering the circumstances it was a wise decision.

A long time ago Crazy ‘ol Auntie Sandee went to the bar and met a boy quite a few years younger.  From the Canary Islands.  We talked and talked and talked.  He leaned over and in his Spanish accent said, “I want to kiss you.”  Yeah, yeah, so I made out with him in the bar loosey goosey, whatever.   All I remember is waking up alone to discover that I had apparently had safe sex with someone. Twice. I threw the condom wrappers away and went to work, recalling vaguely saying the night before, ‘Oooo, that’s niiice.”

A day later I get a call.  “Hello Sandee.”  It was the Spaniard!  “I have no idea what happened here the night before.  Why don’t we meet at the diner so you can tell me what happened and then I can see what you look like too.”  I recalled a handsome young devil but I was drunk.  I needed to know.

He was a handsome young devil on some kind of a work visa.  He would be leaving in a month.  He was studying to become a lawyer — I had sex with him.  In a blackout.  I wasn’t present, wasn’t there, didn’t get to experience this because I was in a blackout.  This made no sense.  I stopped drinking immediately.  Crazy ‘ol Aunties do indeed deserve to die when they deprive themselves of being present to experience having sex with handsome young men with European accents.

41 comments on “Crazy Old Aunties Deserve to Die

  • Let that be a lesson to you: always videotape your sex sessions so you can see what you did later. 😉

    I saw that Aunties ad, Sandee, and I don’t like it. They have another one about Cat Lovers should die too. I get what they’re going for but it still pisses me off.

  • You really do tell the best stories. I’m glad you quit smoking and drinking so you can live a really long time and tell us all you stories.

    Too bad about the hot Spaniard, though. That’s the kind of thing you think would shine through a blackout like the sun.

  • Thank goodness for being clean and sober… I identify with much from this post… (but NOT with the HOT Spaniard)….

    UGLY, douche-bag…. totally UGH!

    Unfortunately, it took a few more years AFTER said incident for me to FINALLY get my ass on the wagon and STAY there….

    • I’m glad we’re both on the wagon, and that we lived through it all to talk about it. 🙂 Sometimes it does take years before we get the message — same for me as well. I’m lucky the guy was a nice chap and not some maniac who hacked me up for barbeque.

  • You’re not crazy, just human! It’s the whole stranger thing…that’s the most scary and I’m glad you made it through, Sandee. Your bravery of talking about could help someone and you wouldn’t even know.

    • You’re right Brigitte — I made humor out of it but the real reason I stopped drinking was because it scared me that I brought a stranger home. If I can’t control what I do when I drink, I don’t need to be drinking. He could have been a rapist, a murderer. It would indeed be nice if people could be helped by knowing that there is life after drinking.

  • Dear Sword,
    YOu know how we were talking about lyrics the other day???
    I lOVE the line from Pink’s Glitter in the Air…where she says..Have you ever asked a stranger to come inside?
    You….are livin….the PINK!!!
    Or you did.
    And I do appreciate the way you approached this topic.

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