A Late 19th Century Street Walker Pirate

Published July 11, 2012 by Sandee


Okay look I need $50,000.  My teeth are rotten.  I’m being dramatic — they’re not ALL rotten, but I do have teeth issues from a childhood illness.  I’m lucky since my teeth have always looked okay, and I don’t have halitosis.  Ironically, when your teeth are really fucked up you take good care of them, flossing and brushing constantly — I should probably say, that after you find out how fucked up they are, you scramble to ‘make it right.’  But as I say, mine aren’t like this because of neglect, they’re like this because of the achalasia that I had as a child, the disease that I was given because that’s the way life is — fuck!  Okay so achalasia is when your esophagus closes up, and it’s a rare disease.  This is a great.  I have this distinction.  I won’t get into details because I might have to take out that self-pity violin.  But couldn’t the hell I have been some other rare GREAT thing, like a rare talent or genius????  (I discussed this in another post.)  When you spend a third of your life in dental surgery, it puts more focus on your teeth.  I tell the dentist ‘Why don’t you just yank ’em all out — give me fake ones?  I’m sick of this shit.”  The dentist says, “Oh but you take such good care of your gums.”  You see too, I thought if I had them yanked out, my boyfriend would favor that — ya know ‘ot ay mean?  Wink wink.  For now I just fancy myself as a 19th century street whore, or a pirate.  Arrgh!  You see back in the day if you had weak teeth and no money, while you were essentially fucked, you just kept on hooking, kept on pirating.

Send donations to repair Auntie Grandma Sandee’s rotten ass teeth to:

The Land of Make Believe

New York City, New York

P.S. I’m off to the dentist on the morrow!  Wish me luck mateys!

31 comments on “A Late 19th Century Street Walker Pirate

  • Ha ha ha you are so funny it’s good. I looked up acalasia on the dictionary not there…see your posts send me to the dictionary…what a dick the dictionary is not having the word too.

    Expect my donations pronto :). All the best at the dentist tomorrow.

  • Isn’t that the old joke,how every man’s dream is a toothless nymphomaniac whose father owns a liquor store? :D. Sorry about your teeth, I will keep my fingers crossed that you have a good dentist appointment!

  • Good luck with your teeth! I have had extensive oral surgery in my life and spent thousands of dollars to make my teeth nice because my mom couldn’t afford to do it for me when I was kid. That shit is expensive!

    Like your blog, thanks for finding me. This blog/network business is hard work.

  • Im going to the dentist in the morning. A new one. My insurance changed and my old one doesn’t participate. Anyway, I am nervous. I get panic attacks when I am in the chair and my old dentist did things to make it more comfortable (hush! I know what you are thinking lol). But anyway I can’t sleep lol

  • Reminds me of that clip from The Simpsons:

    Lisa: “Why do they call you ‘Bleeding Gums Murphy’?”

    BGM: “You ever go to the dentist?”

    Lisa: “Yeah.”

    BGM: “Not me!”

  • OK. That picture is totally scary. Hope your visit goes OK. I have a love-hate relationship with dentistry. I hate teeth. I think they are like exposed bones. Creep me out.

    • Oh Anna! This is hilarious ‘exposed bones.’ Love it! I’m just back from the dentist. She cut off part of my permanent bridge in the back and extracted the decayed tooth underneath — I’m in hell!!! Thanks for stopping by.

  • My dad had to suffer through the indignity of oral surgery and partials after many, many years of not going to a dentist. I manage to check in every few years, but I also floss, brush, and use Listerine (well, the cheaper store brand that is exactly the same). I sympathize with your predicament. I’m visualizing a good, pain free visit for you right now.

    • Thanks Purple Mary — unfortunately, I’m back from the dentist and had excruciating pain. She cut the bridge in the back and extracted the tooth — there was an abcess on it. She’s a kick ass dentist, straight forward, good beside manner, etc. I took painkillers so it’s subsided a bit. I’ll be okay, I’ve got my death metal pumped up. I appreciate your well wishes.

  • FYI–The Land of Make Believe is a real place. After reading this post for the umpteenth time, it clicked. The Land of Make Believe has been around for a long time–I remember the commercials from when I lived in the “Sack!” LOL. Just a lil tid-bit. Maybe we can take the chilren there.

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