Boundaries

Published August 11, 2014 by Sandee

Recently, I have been redirecting a relationship with someone who had been very touchy-feely for the last ten years. I have finally been successful at establishing a boundary. This person was overstepping my boundaries, without taking the hints. I would take a few steps back from them to create a distance, but they would move in and grab my waist anyway — lunge at me to grab my arm — they were rather sneaky about it too. Years ago I thought I would have a talk with them, but decided against it. The situation was delicate. Maybe it was my own “boundary problem.” There is another woman who has an issue with this person doing the same to her, and she only brought it up after I mentioned it to her, so I don’t think she was planning to approach him about it — not to say that this makes it okay that I haven’t said anything.

We were friends and I liked this person a lot, and it didn’t happen often enough to be urgent, but whenever I saw them – maybe a couple of times a week, it would be an issue. They would rub my arms or shoulders, squeeze me, touch my waist, and generally stand too close. It was all under the guise of friendly touching – which makes it kind of sticky. I don’t shrink from confrontation and usually have no problem telling people what I think. But as an older adult, I’m attempting to be graceful, and I guess I chose this situation to exercise that trait.

Part of the problem is language. The person’s first language is Spanish, and they have a strong accent. They might have a problem understanding what I was saying, especially if I tried being tactful, using delicate language that isn’t literal, with subtleties that they might not understand. If I went the other way with a direct approach, saying, “You’re touching me too much and I don’t like it. It’s not necessary for you to touch me every time you see me,” there might be confusion since there were times when I expressed affection with a hug, after not seeing them for a while. I have also touched this person during conversation, but not often – so this might cause additional confusion. This person might see my touching them as an invitation to touch me whenever they want to – every fucking time I see them — five or six times, anywhere on my body. No.

The subject of how to approach the situation has plagued me for years. Finally I had just had it, and decided that I would simply recoil dramatically with my body whenever this person stepped too closely into my circle. I literally sway my body away from theirs, or take three of four steps backward. In addition, I keep conversation short, yet cordial. That was another boundary issue, excessive talking without respect for my time. I think they’re finally getting it.

I don’t care if they think I’m moody, or that I don’t like them anymore. I waited too long as it is. If they don’t see what I’m “saying” this time with body language, the next step is to tell them directly. At the end of this, I’m thinking maybe I will just tell them directly, if it happens again. This person is an adult who should know better, really.

 

A Dime-a-Dozen Blogger

Published August 7, 2014 by Sandee

After starting my blog, I read hundreds of other blogs and followed quite a few. I didn’t anticipate what I encountered, people looking for a place to belong, people who needed somewhere to vent. Some of these people had found friendships they couldn’t develop in the three-dimensional realm. A lot of us are really co-dependent.

Someone said, “With Facebook, there’s a lot of psychological stuff going on.” I extend that observation to blogging. I size up someone’s personality from their blogging habits. In the blogosphere, I see approval-seekers, trend-followers, and those who blog in certain communities because they feel that they belong – it’s a place where certain people finally feel popular. Sometimes the sharing is intense, and at times I wonder, when the bloggers disappear from the ‘sphere, if they are okay, as they had talked about experiencing severe depression.

I am fortunate to have close friends that I can share personal things with, though some people consider the people that they meet in the blogosphere to be friends, and they are fulfilled by those relationships. I’m not opposed to forming friendships with bloggers, but I have to be able to smell, touch and hear you – I have to know you a couple of years, and to be able to read your aura before making that blood pact. I don’t use the word “friend” loosely.

The blogging environment can be affected, and there is playacting. Behind the wall, there’s no shame in blowing things up pretty big – you can hide behind a persona – be that tough girl, the femme fatale (I think I tried to play that one up a couple of times – hahaha!). There are professional bloggers. But some of us take blogging a little too seriously.

In the 1800s, Washington Irving described the flood of “writers” with their pretenses at the proliferation of printing houses – ha! I wonder what he’d think today when everyone and their mother can claim literary importance with the multitude of outlets — myself included.

In the blogosphere, alternate universes are created. Some people imagine that they’re larger than life. But WordPress hosts thousands of sites, and bloggers are a dime a dozen. A blogger actually did once describe us as “dime-a-dozen-bloggers”, and I loved it – it put us in our place. We all have different angles, and some are actually great writers. Most of us are in the middle, and some of us are awful. I don’t even make a big deal out of new followers, because 97% of the time, they don’t even “like” or comment. They’re just trolling for followers. I do enjoy a lot of blogs, but I have to have a balance with my real life and with the real world.

I don’t want to lose perspective. The blogosphere is a place for me to share dime-a-dozen thoughts, to practice writing, and to trade comments. I remind myself of this, otherwise I can delude myself into thinking I’m Sandor-the-Barbarian, destined to rule a demented corner of the blogosphere.

 

I should be ashamed.

Published August 6, 2014 by Sandee

View More: http://imagesbypatrik.pass.us/sandy

I should be ashamed of myself!

I read something (which shall not be named) where the person posted a so-called “damning” text exchange with someone they demonized, but I am solely obsessed with the degenerate scenario that this ‘demon’ set up – was it muy hot-to!

I do need help…

But, who has the right to damn anyone – I live in a glass house and have thoughts that should definitely be terminated. Ask my sister –

“Who thinks that?!!!” She tells me.

“Really, you don’t, think those things, ever?”

“No!”

Well, at least I don’t actually act the things out, not really.

I tell you one thing, that scenario, I’d like to act that thing out – ha!

Italian Futurism, Degenerate Art, and a Nice Pair of Sandals

Published June 17, 2014 by Sandee

futurism

guggenheim

Italian Futurism! How appropriately displayed at the Guggenheim — modernistic glorified violence, war, speed, technology! Zoom! – and the dismissal of women – with the exception of Marinetti’s wife, and a couple of others.

As someone who appreciates words I wondered what that “Words-in-Freedom” film there was about. It said on the wall that these “words” helped disseminate their manifesto projectile style. No adjectives — just verbs – exclamations! The film uses imagery with audio rendering rhythmic Italian exclamations: Sento e nom vedo – vampe vampe vampe! Zang! Alla, faccia, vostra, sputi, pernacchi!

From the top tier of the Guggenheim I looked all the way down to the first floor, and imagined diving into the futuristic abyss, head first into the fountain! — the ultimate performance art piece – “Conosuoooooooooooooooooono!!!”

Instead I went to the Neue Galerie next to see “degenerate art”, but the damn place is closed on Tuesdays. So I bought shoes – I wonder what kinds of jobs these nationalistic/fascist-minded people expected people to do in their society. Maybe there’d just be race car drivers, rapists and scientists? I mean, what? It was a really good exhibit though.

Bullies

Published May 28, 2014 by Sandee

I thought of my past as encompassing the sundry experiences of youth, until fixating on headlines about bullying, about young people who go to therapy and take antidepressants, those who do self-destructive things and hurt other people because they had been bullied.

Nowadays, they have the bully-patrol in schools, and public service announcements about bullying.

It’s very scary. I’ve also read articles about adult bullies. I need to be on the lookout for bullies too?

“I didn’t know I was bullied. That was bullying that I experienced when I was in junior high school? Wow, I was bullied,” I said to my sister.

The media says that being bullied causes people to have syndromes.

People reading about these syndromes can measure themselves up against them, eventually determining that they have these syndromes and begin manifesting other behaviors outlined therein. I did.

Maybe I was just naive, albeit, one who had been called “Skeleton Head” and “Chester” because I didn’t have any titties – but I just thought getting fucked with was comeuppance for me because I said and did mean things to kids too.

But on days I’m digging through archives, feeling sorry for myself, I can focus on having been called “Chester”. Then I can watch Dr. Phil and learn even more about me.

The media influenced me to feel sorry for myself. It made a lot of money doing it. It defined me when previously I had no idea that I even had any syndrome.

I thought I was evolving into something new and different everyday. But now I’m in a cubby-hole, marked with an indelible stamp: “The One Who Was Bullied”.

At the end of this I realize it’s good to draw attention to bullying so that we think about it and grow eventually, as a culture.

But, could we tone it down a little, so that we can hear ourselves think?

 

 

Four Questions

Published May 21, 2014 by Sandee

Amy Reese from AmyReeseWrites.com asked me to participate in the “blog hop.”

I’m a party pooper when it comes to things like this but — how could you say no to Amy? So I had to answer four questions about my writing process. Here they are:

What am I working on?

I’m working on two stories, one about a woman who hides, the other is a story about a person who doesn’t exist. After that, I’ll reshape my novel and try to get an agent to represent it — yeah!

How does my work differ from others of its genre?

My work differs from other work in the same genre because I write through the lens of my special DNA — ha!

Why do I write what I do?

I write because I’m trying to reach out to other people’s spirits, to communicate. I’m saying, I feel this, see this, want this, hate this, etc. Can you relate? What do you feel, hate, etc.? Do you feel me?

How does my writing process work?

This is a cliche, but my process is like sculpting. I write very broadly first, and sometimes it doesn’t make sense, but I trust the process, and come back each day to shape it up until it takes form.

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